


Step into the Sun — Discontinued

by wantsumfuk



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bisexual Evan Hansen, F/F, F/M, Gay Connor Murphy, Gay Jared Kleinman, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Alana Beck, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Slow Updates, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing bc its Connor, THE INSANELY COOL JARED KLEINMAN!!!, ace alana beck, fake friendships, from strangers to fake friends to friends to lovers, like slow as helllllllllll, pansexual zoe murphy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2018-11-02 19:46:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10951473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wantsumfuk/pseuds/wantsumfuk
Summary: Evan Hansen, a senior with intense anxiety. Connor Murphy, a senior with major deppression. Evan writes therapeutic letters to himself, which triggered this spiral of lies that they continue to drag people into. Connor needs to learn to dance like the rest of the world isn't there, and Evan needs to learn to start stepping into the sun and out of his thoughts.





	1. im flying blind

_'Dear Evan Hansen,'_

His eyes flew across the screen as his fingers grazed the keyboared. His left arm did seem to slow him down, but he managed.

_'Today is going to be a good day, and here's why...'_

He stared blankly and the computer screen.  _'Today is going to be a good day and here's why... And here's why.... here's why.'_ His mind seem to drag out the why. He looked over to his alarm clock.  _'It's 4:57. Mom should be getting ready for work in about a half hour.'_ His eyes gazed back down to his cheap, off-brand laptop. He sighed and combed his hair with his fingers.  _'"Write letters!" They said. "It'll help you!" They said. I don't exactly see where it helps at all.'_ He sighed and sat againt his bed frame.

 

* * *

 

_"School is around the corner, are you excited?" The older man smiled at him. His smile seemed so fake that it would've made Barbie go running, but he didn't even dare say that out loud. His name tag read "P. Sherman" and it's gold color seemed brighter than usual, it must've been a new tag._

_"Evan? Hello?" Dr. Sherman waved his hands around his face._ _He contemplated while still staring off at the other man's name tag. "Evan Hansen!" He clapped his hands loudly in front of Evan,_ _and he flinched, jumping back, obviously taken off guard with that clap._ 'What freak gets scared by a clap?'

_"Did you hear me?" Dr. Sherman asked with an eyebrow cocked up in question. Of course Evan heard. He might be stupid and useless and a big loser, but he wasn't deaf. "O-Oh no- sorry- p-please repeat that- sorry-"_

_"Evan, the apologizing."_

_"Sorry- I mean- sor-" Evan bit his lip and choked back the remains of the last sorry. He heard his therapist give a light sigh as he scribbled something down on his clip board. Probably something like, "_ God this kid is annoying and lame. _" or something else along those edges._

_"I asked if you were excited for school. You'll be a senior if I'm correct?" Evan nodded and looked off to the side. "Uh- yea- yeah- I'm- I'm really... excited..." Dr. Sherman smiled- his Barbie fake smile- and scribbled something on his clipboard. Evan could imagine ink on the paper spelling out "_ This kid is a horrible liar. _"_

_"Okay, since I wasn't here for the summer, tell me about yours. Anything happen other than the broken arm?" And that led to Evan telling (more like stuttering) about his job a Ellison State Park, the story of how he broke his arm, and how his appointments with Dr. Peters went well. After a while Dr. Sherman smiled. "You're good with your refills right?" He asked, which Evan nodded to._

_"You've been writing those letters to yourself, right?" Dr. Sherman eyed him carefully and suspiciously._ 'Crap, no.' _Evan nodded and smiled, though he was positive it looked like a grimace_. _"That's good to hear. Alright thanks for sharing your summer with me, Evan. Same time next week?"_

 

* * *

 

Evan woke up to a noise blaring at his ear. He softly groaned and hit snooze before taking in his surroundings. He realized he fell asleep with his laptop propped up on his knees. Evan set it gently to his bedside cabinet before heading to the bathroom to start his usual routine.  _'Mom must be awake by now.'_ He thought to himself while brushing his teeth. The clatter in the room next to him proved him right.

After changing he laid across his twin bed and stared up at the ceiling. He focussed on listening to his breathing. It seemed staggared. The cluttering in the hall seemed to quicken.  _'Mom must be in a hurry.'_ He stayed there for a second and his eyes drifted to his laptop.  _'Today is going to be a good day and here's why.......'_ He sat contemplating to finish the letter, or to just leave it be. That was until his mom barged into the room without knocking, as usual.

She walked over to her son and gave him a weak smile. "Hey sweetie." She said as Evan sat up so the conversation would be less awkward for him. "Are you excited for senior year?" She smiled as she sat down next to her son. He gave a little shrug and looked at his mom's scrubs. She decided to go out in her navy blue ones today, and her plastic tag read _'HEIDI HANSEN'_ She let out a small sigh. 

"Have you been writing those letters to yourself? _'Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be a good day and here's why_ '." She quoted. Evan held in a sigh and slowly nodded. "I started one." He wasn't  _exactly_ lying. He did start one, he just didn't plan on finishing it. "Those letters are important, Honey. They're gonna help you build your confidence." She walked up around the room cleaning up small messes like missplaced shoes or something.

"I guess."

She kept walking around and eyed her son wearily. "Can't we try to have an optimistic outlook? Huh?" She slightly nudged him before sitting next to him. "Can we buck up just enough to see the world won't fall apart? Maybe this year we decide, we're not giving up before we've tried." She affectionately and comfortingly patted his shoulder. "This year we can make a new start."

Evan avoided eye contact. He looked around the room remembering the mental and physical breakdowns he's had on the carpeted floor, all because he couldn't order a damn pizza correctly. His eyes landed on a sharpie next to his laptop. How he was gonna regret it soon. Heidi followed her sons gaze and beamed.

"Hey! I know! You can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast. How 'bout that?"

Evan puffed out his cheeks, "Perfect." Heidi walked over to him and ruffled his hair giving an encouraging smile. She hugged him and patted her son's back, "I'm proud of you already." Evan stiffed, not sure of how to react. He felt disappointed at the thought of not meeting to his mom's expections, but decided to mask it (kinda failing). "Oh... Good."

Heidi handed him the marker, while he put it in the front pocket of his khakis, and checked over to the bedside cabinet, "You all good on refills?" 

"Yep- yep- I'm good-"

"I better head to work," (' _As if thats new'_ ) Heidi ran a hand through her hair. "They'll be money on the counter, order a pizza okay? I might get home late." She talked to him while walking down the hall. She was already half out the door when she yelled, "Bye love you Evan."

"Me too. Bye mom."

 

* * *

 

"It's your Senior year, Connor. You are not missing the first day." Cynthia complained to her son as he laid face down on the table. The other two Murphy's already had their breakfast, but Connor's was left on the plate pushed in front of him, which he neglected to even touch. "I already said I'd go tomorrow." He muttered and didn't even bother looking up.

"He doesn't listen." Larry skimmed through the newspaper he was holding, taking sips of his coffee occasionally. "Look at him, he's probably high." Zoe nodded at her father's previous statement, staring at Connor as if he was a wild animal at the zoo. "He's definitely high."

"Fuck off Zoe." Connor hissed, barely audible. "I don't want you going to school high, Connor." Cynthia continued to protest. She crossed her arms as she impatiently tapped her foot.

"Perfect!" Connor snapped as his head whipped up, revealing blood shot eyes. "So then I won't go. Thanks, Mom!" Connor stood up and swayed to the kitchen. The rest of the family waved him off as they spent the morning as a _"normal"_ family. 

Cynthia hummed a melody while scrolling through Facebook, Larry looked out the window and complained about how "The interstate's already jammed." Connor pulled out the milk carton and drank from it, as Zoe decided to bitch about it because, "Connor finished the milk!" He flipped her off before throwing the carton at the trash can and missed.

He shrugged and walked back to the table. He slammed his face on the table, a small ' _thump_ ' being heard as his forehead made contact with the wood. "If you get a concussion we aren't taking you to the doctor." Larry growled, not bothering to look up. Connor huffed and glared at him, "Fucking Larry." He muttered before heading to his room to grab his messenger bag. 

"I better head out." Larry called, closing his newspaper and walking to his room to get his blazer. Cynthia followed him to get ready for her yoga classes. "If Connor's not ready I'm leaving without him." Zoe called out while grabbing her back pack. Connor came running down the stairs yelling out a "HOLD THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH." ("Connor! Respect your sister!" "Oh please Cynthia, as if he'd listen to the likes of you.")

 

* * *

 

"Hey! How was your summer?"

Alana Beck walked up to Evan as soon as he made it through the school gates. Evan's hands automatically went down to the hem of his pale blue, striped shirt. He avoided eye contact. "I-It was-"

"Mine was productive!" She interrupted. Alana ended up explaing most of her summer to Evan while he got cut off every time he tried to speak up.

After a while Evan took a deep breath and held out his left arm. "Do you wanna maybe.. It's- I'm sorry, I don't know your, um- You have to.." He took another deep breath and choked back a whimper. He could feel his palms sweat. "Do you wanna sign my cast?" 

"Oh my god! What happened to your arm?" Alana asked in worry that could be so real it could've been fake. She grabbed his arm and inspected it before letting go and opening her mouth.

"It reminds me of the time my nana-"

 

* * *

 

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much? Or do you consider that an honor?" 

Evan's head whipped around to the voice. His face flushed as he was quick to protest. "That's not what I did! I wasn't- I wasn't doing that!" His  _family_ friend walked up to him, giving Evan his well known I-Am-Jared-Kleinman-And-I-Am-An-Asshole smirk.

"I'm painting the picture; you're in your bedroom, you've got Zoe Murphy's Instagram up on your weird, off-brand cellphone-"

"That's not what happened!" Evan yelled out to Jared, an octive higher than normal. "Obviously... I was- just- well, I was climbing a tree, and I fell." 

"You fell out of a tree?" Jared gave Evan a _'wtf are you an idiot_ ' look before bursting out laughing. "What are you, an acorn?"

Evan bit his lip, but laughed awkwardly giving Jared an uncomfortable smile. "N-no, but it was- it was a funny story- You see I was climbing- and then- and then I fell and I was lying down, like, 'Hello is someone going to- going to come and get me?' And then- then no one did."

Jared cocked an eyebrow in confusion. "What's the funny part?"

"That um- that no one came-"

Jared eyes widen slightly then looked at Evan remorsefully. "Uhm- wow- oh- oh okay... Good for you, acorn." He started to walk away before Evan followed him fishing for his sharpie.

"Uhm- D-do you wanna sign my cast?"

"Why are you asking me?" He asked, the remorse gone, as he impatiently glared at Evan.

"Well I just thought- 'cause we're friends-" 

Jared was quick to correct him- as always. "We're family friends. That's like, a whole different thing and you know it." Evan bit his lip and nodded, "Right-"

Jared patted him in the chest and gave him a nudge, making Evan flinch at the sudden contact. "Hey- tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you, or else my parents won't pay for my car insurance." He said before walking a little away from Evan.

"Hey Connor!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right now this chapter and most likely the next will be the story or whatever of Dear Evan Hansen. There were a few changes but the actual fan fiction part will either be in the next chapter or the third one. gracias for reading. its 4 am again peace


	2. but every sun doesnt rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You think I'm a freak?" Connor accused. His knuckles turned white at how hard he was clutching them.
> 
> "No, I don't!-" Evan protested, his face pale as his panic continued to build up.
> 
> "I'm not the freak!"
> 
> "But I wasn't laughing-"
> 
> " _You're_ the fucking freak!" And with that Connor pushed him, really hard, that his back pounded against the lockers. Evan slid down as the wind was knocked out of him. His vision blurred, but was clear enough to see the blob of Connor walk away.

"Hey Connor! Lovin' the new hair length, it's very... school shooter chic."

Jared walked up to the taller boy, giving him a devilish smirk. Evan stood there unsure to leave or to stay. Then again, where  _else_ could he go? The library was an option, but it's all the way across the campus. The bathroom was another, but Evan seemed glued to the ground. Connor stared at Jared with blood shot eyes while swaying foward and back. A dead give away signifying he's high.

 "I was just kidding... It was a joke?" Jared deadpaned at Connor as if his previous statements were obvious. "Yeah, no it was funny. I'm laughing, can't you tell?"  Connor reflected Jared's image, sarcasm lacing his voice. He took a step foward to the shorter boy, curling his hands into fist. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

Jared took a step back, fear building up in his eyes, and held his arms out in exasperation. "You're such a freak." He walked back and looked at Evan reluctantly. Jared nudged him, and motioned his head to the side to signal to go that way. Evan let out a cough as Jared walked away, most likely expecting Evan to follow, but he was stopped as the Murphy took a step in front of him. 

"The fuck you laughing at?"

"Wha-" Evan asked, shrinking at how tall Connor was. His breathing quickened as his panic told him he did something wrong.

"Stop fucking laughing at me!"

"No, no, I'm not-"

"You think I'm a freak?" Connor accused. His knuckles turned white at how hard he was clutching them.

"No, I don't!-" Evan protested, his face pale as his panic continued to build up.

"I'm not the freak!"

"But I wasn't laughing-"

" _You're_ the fucking freak!" And with that Connor pushed him, really hard, that his back pounded against the lockers. Evan slid down as the wind was knocked out of him. His vision blurred, but was clear enough to see the blob of Connor walk away. Evan sat there, stumbling to open his back pack.

_'I did something wrong. I always do something wrong. It doesn't matter that I've learn to slam on the break before I turn the key.'_

He pulled out a bottle of pills.

_'It doesn't matter that I stopped before I made the mistake, or before I lead with the worst of me.'_

He swallowed two pills dry and focused on his breathing. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

_'Give them no reason to stare. No slippin' up if I slip away. So give them nothing to share, 'cause I got nothing to say.'_

He reminded himself as he stood up. And tried to look like he was normal. Although nothing was normal about him. ' _What kind of freak talks to himself, let alone talks to himself in his mind. Step out of the sun, Evan.'_ He sighed, and walked off to Jared's direction.

 "Hey! I'm sorry about my brother, I saw him push you." He turned around. He saw the  _Zoe Murphy_ walk over to him concerned. "Evan, right?"

"Evan." He repeated, a little dazed at her appearance, and still recovering from the whole I-Got-Slammed-Into-Some-Lockers-And-Got-A-Panic-Attack thing.

"That's your name?"

"Yes! It is! It's Evan- sorry!" 

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because you said Evan and then I said it, I repeated it, which is just- that is so annoying when people do that, so-" Evan breathed. He fiddle with the hem of his shirt as a blush made it's way to his cheeks.

"I'm Zoe." She held out her hand for him to shake. He was about to shake it, but noticed how sweaty his palms were and decided to wipe them against his shirt. "No I know."

"You know?" 

"NO- No- It's just- I've seen you play guitar in jazz band- I love jazz band- I love jazz- but not all jazz but there's nothing like jazz band jazz and- that is so weird I'm sorry-." Evan coughed out.  _'You're making a fool out of yourself, Evan.'_

"You apologize a lot." Zoe lightly giggled. She was pointing at him as if she was pointing out his flaw of sorry.

"I'm sorry." Evan let out a breathy laugh.

"Well I should get going" Zoe turned around getting ready to leave but Evan asked a question in protest. "You don't wanna sign my cast, do you?" He called out while taking out his sharpie, although he was more than positive it came out as "Youdon'twannasignmycast,doyou?"

Before she saw, he shoved it back in the pocket and crossed his arms as if the last part didn't happen. She turned around and eyed him carefully. "What...?" He looked at her the same way while fidgeting with his cast. "What? Wha'd you say?"

"I didn't say anything, you said something.."

"No, I- Me? No way," His breathe quickened, but he tried to play it off. He didn't think he sounded convincing, "Jose."

"Okay... Jose." She smiled before waving and walking off.

  _'Jose!?!? Really? What is wrong with me. Step out of the sun already. Step out of the sun, Evan. Because it's about time you've learned.'_ He huffed before walking back to the direction Jared went again. 

He continued to repeat his thoughts.  _'Step out. Step out of the sun. Step out. Step out. You should have learned by now that you aren't making a sound.'_ Then he stopped in his tracks, all of his thoughts gathering to one.

_'Will I ever make a sound?'_

 

* * *

 

_'Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. And it's not going to be an amazing week or amazing year because, why would it be?_

_I know, I know, because there's Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know. And who doesn't know me. But maybe if I could just talk to her, then, maybe, maybe nothing would be different after all._

_I wish everything was different._

_I wish I was part of... something. I wish anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean, face it; would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_

_Me'_

Evan breathed slowed. He can't show that Dr. Sherman. He'll think Evan is more of a freak than what already he is. He heard the door to the library open. He hoped who ever was coming in wouldn't notice him. Then again, no one notices him anywhere else, how would now be any different.

Evan choked back tears as negative thoughts flooded through his brain. He hit _print_ and stood up to walk to the printer. 

_'Useless'_

He could feel knees wanting to buckle every step he took. 

_'Unwanted'_

He forcefully wiped a tear before the other person see him. Not that they ever would.

_'Waste of time'_

_'Unloved'_

_'Loser'_

_'Fucking freak'_

"So what happened to your arm?" Evan's head snapped up as he saw an uncomfortable Connor Murphy in front of him.

"Oh.. I- uhm- fell out of a tree.. actually..." Evan giggled nervously while drifting his eyes to blank cast.

"You fell out of a tree?" Connor repeated as Evan hesitantly nodded. "Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I've heard." Evan breath hitched as he awkwardly smiled.

"No one's signed your cast."

"No- yeah- I know."

"I'll sign it."

"O-oh you don't have to-" Evan was surprised. Connor wanted to sign his cast? Was he joking?

"Do you got a sharpie?" He asked, while holding out his hand. Evan stared at it before remembering what he was doing. He digged his hand inside his pockets, pulling out the sharpie. Connor pulled Evan's arm close to him roughly, making Evan say a tiny, "Ow."

Connor open the marker, writing his name in bold, big, obnoxious letters. Evan looked at him. "Oh great... Thanks." He said, sarcasm hidden in the words.

"Yeah, well, now we can both pretend we have friends."

Evan turned around to his back pack before Connor got his attention. "Oh and, is this yours?" Evan turned, eyes widened as he realized Connor was holding his letter. "I found it on the printer. It's.. 'Dear Evan Hansen', that's your name."

"O-oh! Yeah, nononono, that's just a stupid- it's just this paper that I have to write- so, so it's for an assignment," Evan tried pouncing for the letter, but Connor pulled it up at the last second and read it.

"'Because there's Zoe.'" He read aloud. "...Is this about my sister?"

"Oh, nonono," Evan was quick to defend himself, but Connor's breath staggard. He could see the anger swirl in his blue eyes.

"You wrote this because you knew that I would find it." 

"What..?"

"Yeah. You, uh, you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab so you wrote this and you printed this out so I would find it." Connor accused. He clutched onto the letter. Connor glared at Evan, and he's never felt so helpless.

"...Why- why would I d-"

"So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?" He stepped in front of Evan menacingly. Evan prayed the ground would swallow him whole. "And then you could tell everybody that I'm crazy!"

"What?-"

"Right?"

"No! I-"

"Fuck you." Connor looked at Evan in disgust. Evan could see his blue eyes shift from anger to sadness. Evan noticed tears prick at the corner of his eyes. Evan felt horrible.

Connor growled and shoved the letter in his messager bag. He stormed out of the room as panic ran through Evan. He tried calling out for him. "Nonono I need that back- please- I need that back so can you please give it back?" 

_'You're the fucking freak.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so next chapter there will 100% chance of the gay ok have a good day


	3. i try to speak but nobody can hear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Wait- let me get this straight. Ted Bundy took your sex letter three days ago, and tried to off himself, but failed. Then they found _your sex letter_ and thought it was _his suicide note_ , so they think you're _his best friend_ , and now you're going to see him after school at the hospital? Duuude, you're dead meat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit (7/10) - i changed the chapter name from "not even pretend friends?" to "i try to speak but nobody can hear" because as i progressed i realized all of the chapter titles were song lyrics from a song around the time and im rambling but my point was that i changed the chapter title

_"Evan Hansen please report to the principal's office."_

All eyes turned to him, as Evan awkwardly stood up. 

' _Crap crap crap crap crap crap'_

He put his books and notes in his back pack while avoiding any eye contact at all. The teacher in the corner was writing Evan a hall pass, while the students among them whispered. 

_'This is it. I'm done for. It doesn't matter that the whole letter incident happened three days ago, I'll still pay for it. Connor went home and showed the note to his parents. He showed the note to Zoe. They all showed the note to the principal, which made the letter look like I was a deppressed pedophile. They're gonna put a restraining order on me- no- They'll take me to jail to prevent me from doing anything pedophile because I can't even say one word to defend myself-'_

Evan slung the back pack over his shoulder and winced when the back pack made contact with his back. He took in a shaky breath and walked over to the teachers desk to get the hall pass. He walked out the door and could hear the chatter raise it's volume, but was soon cut off by the teacher getting their attention back to something about DNA. (He wasn't really paying attention before they called him up so how should he know.)

Before taking anymore steps, Evan reached into his back pack and got the bottle of Xanax. He swallowed two pills dry and put the bottle back. Once he got to the office the secretary looked up from the computer. "Can I help you?"

_'Ugh she's one of those snobby secretaries that try to act professional-'_

"I- um- I-I got called- for the- for the- principal office- to go in- sorry-" He muttered the last part mentally cursing himself for it. The secretary turned back to her computer, "The principal's office is down the hall to your right." She bluntly added before taking a sip of (what appeared to be) coffee. 

Evan muttered a small thank you and walked down the hall to the room. His legs felt like literal Jello. He wished the floor would swallow him whole. Taking a deep breath, Evan opened the door and saw a woman sitting in the left chair, holding back tears, a man behind her, rubbing her shoulder comfortingly. But there was no principal. 

"Oh- oh- sorry- I must be in the-the wrong room- I'm really sorry-" 

He was quick to apologize. Evan turned to leave, but the man placed his hand on his shoulder firmly. Evan stiffed up turning around. "No- you're in the right room- we just- ...... We asked him to step out." Evan assumed the man was reffering to the principal when he said _'he'_ , and took a sharp breath, hoping it wasn't noticible. The woman looked at Evan with glassy eyes, holding a piece of paper.

"Are you Evan Hansen?"

_'Shit'_

Evan wasn't one to swear much, but- how else could he say what went through his mind right now? 

"I-I- Y-yes I am-" He shook. 

"Please, sit down." The man gestured to the chair on the right. Evan wobbled to it and sat down, clutching onto his back pack. Right now, those two pills he took earlier were no help at all. He could always just down them-

"We're Connor's parents. Cynthia and Larry." The man- Larry- said as he gestured to him and his wife. "We- It- Just- What I mean is-" Cynthia tried to explain but sat in silence instead, two stray tears slipping down her cheeks. Larry took a deep breath. He frustratingly closed his eyes. Cynthia held back her tears and clutched onto the paper. Larry placed a hand on her shoulder. "Cynthia if you want-" "I'm going as fast as I can!" After a couple of moment of silence Larry spoke up. "What we're trying to say is......"

Larry looked Evan dead in his eyes.

" _Connor tried to take his life._ "

"Larry please stop!" Cynthia broke down as she clutched the note harder.

Evan looked at them shocked. 

"He- he what?"

"He..... Wrote a suicide note, but it seems it was more directed to you."

Evan thickly swallowed. "He did?..." He thought of what could've been in that letter that was directed to him. Maybe Connor wrote, _'I hope this is given to Evan Hansen so he knows that he is a creep and a fucking freak and he can ruin people's lives by just breathing near them-'_

Cynthia took a few deep breaths and gave the paper to Evan. He was shaking, metally preparing himself for what the letter was going to say. What he wasn't expecting though was his _therapy letter_. He stared at it confused. _'It must've been on him when he tried-'_

"No- no- he- he didn't- he didn't write this."

_'How can I tell them this is mine?'_

"This- it can't- it's not his-"

"W-What do you mean by that-" Cynthia looked at him like he was stupid, he's not stupid, but he felt like he was because he couldn't find the voice to say the truth.

"Obviously he's just in shock Cynthia-"

"No- no- what do you I mean-"

"Nothing- Nothing- I should go- I'm sorry-"

"No tell us what you mean!"

"I have to go sorry!" Evan flinched at how loud they were starting to get. Larry walked over to Cynthia to put an arm around her. "Cynthia calm down-"

"Don't you tell me to calm down!" She yelled at him. Evan's panic rose and rose. She fell to her chair sobbing and Larry looked over at Evan with a stoic impression. "Evan... Do us a favor."

"Y-yes sir?-"

"Today, we're going to see Connor at the hospital. Since you're the closest one to him than any of us most likely, can you come for us?" Larry looked at him with pleading eyes, awaiting Evan's response.

"You were his friend right?" Cynthia blurted in. He looked at them both hesitantly before giving a slow nod. 

"Cynthia, look, his cast."

Evan looked down as well as his face paled.

  _'Shit'_

 

* * *

 

 "You did _what_." Jared looked at Evan in disbelief. "Dude what the hell-"

"I- I- didn't know how to react-"

"Wait- let me get this straight. Ted Bundy took your sex letter three days ago, and tried to off himself, but failed. Then they found _your sex letter_ and thought it was _his suicide note_ , so they think you're _his best friend_ , and now you're going to see him after school at the hospital? Duuude, you're dead meat." Jared bluntly whispered. Evan appreciated that he was keeping what was going on in a low tone.

Jared and Evan had chemistry together in sixth period, everyone had a choice of who to pair up with and what formula to find and try to create, so they paired up to find the formula for alcohol. 

Evan sighed. "I just wanna go home." He mumbled before helping Jared with mini project.

"Ev- bud- when you go over there, after the cannibal kills and eats you, tell him to leave the balls for me."

" _JARED!_ "

 

* * *

 

The ride there was fairly uncomfortable. Zoe appearantly went in her own car. ' _Of course she did. I just drive people away. Literally. She wouldn't want to be even 5 millimeters away from me-_ '

The ride seemed like hours. But really it was only 20 minutes. They checked in the hospital and everything and as they approached Connor's room a figure stood outside of it. Zoe Murphy. She seemed pissed or something. Larry and Cynthia looked at each other. 

"Evan, why don't you go ahead first."

"Wha-?" He looked at the with pleading eyes. He looked at Zoe, just to see her turned away. "If he doesn't want to go, don't blame him." Zoe muttered angrily at her parents. "Nononono- that's not it- I just-"

"It's fine Evan. We can tell him you're here or come with you-"

"NO! No- I-" He felt his panic start building up. "Uhm- maybe- maybe just tell him- I'm a surprise- or-or something...."

"Alright. But we have to stay out here and... talk... with Zoe." Larry looked at Zoe in a sorta glare. Zoe glared back at him, even tenser.

Cynthia gave Evan an apologetic smile before walking in the room and coming back out a little later. She nodded at him then went to stand next to Larry. Evan took a deep breath and walked in. He was met with a Connor who had glasses on and a messy ponytail and was reading a book, and it looked nice if Evan wasn't lying-

"Hansen? What are you doing here?" Connor looked up in what seemed surprise. He set the book down before quickly taking off his glasses. Evan could see the light pink starting to tint his cheeks. He crossed his arms and leaned back into his pillow, putting on the unreadible face he always has at school.

Evan's eyes trailed across the room, away from Connor. He would be lying if he said he wasn't scared of talking to him. One wrong word and he'll be beat to the pulp. His eyes trailed to Connor's arms. They were bandaged. Must've been the way he tried to off himself.

"I'm waiting for my answer?"

Evan sighed and explained what Connor's parents did today and what their reaction was with the letter. He explained how the think they're friends, but stopped after they invited to take him to the hospital to meet up with Connor.

Evan shook a little. Connor was gonna laugh and call his stupid then tell his parents the truth then they'll hate Evan and Zoe would hate him more and he'd be more of a loser than of what he already is because he's pathetic.

"Wow. That's the second saddest fucking thing I've heard. Other than the whole falling outta a tree thing."

The room filled with silence. Evan fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, waiting for Connor to kick him out.

"I mean.... We can always lie. In a convincing way that makes them think we had a bond or some shit like that." Connor broke the silence, shrugging and picking at the chipped, black nail polish on his nails. 

"Okay." Evan just agreed, not sure of what to say.

After another era of silence Evan spoke up. "Why-"

"If you're asking why I tried to kick the fucking bucket, don't. I've had enough assholes and stuck up pussies ask me that all day in the past three days. You don't need to be one of them."

"Nononononono I was just gonna ask why they found _my_ letter in _your_ pocket." Evan said quickly, defending himself from Connor thought he was about to ask.

"Oh- that. Well you see I took the letter home and grabbed it outta my bag then read the whole thing. Then I kept reading it and walked into the bathroom. And then it just kinda got to me.... Because, shit man, you're relatable, no lie." Connor ran a hand through his hair giving Evan a sad yet awkward smile. "And so, after I read it, it just kept haunting back at me."

"' _I wish everything was different._ _I wish I was part of... something. I wish anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean, face it; would anyone even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?'_ That hurts because it was too true for me too." Connor shrugged while quoting the letter. He gave Evan remorseful eyes before looking away. "Then I decided I came to my limit for the fourth time and I pulled out a razor and the little fucker Zoe found me and called the ambulance and now we're here."

"'For the fourth time'? This has happened to you before?" Evan asked, cocking an eyebrow in confusion. He hesitantly pulled up a chair next to Connor and rested his head on his right hand.

"Not exactly. The first three times were always different, but always ending up in the hospital having to live through this fuckery of Earth. I've been to rehab once out of four of those times." Connor spoke as if it were a casual conversation which put Evan on edge.

"Have you ever tried to off yourself, Hansen?" Connor asked out of the blue. "I mean- not to offend you or anything but the way your letter sounding there could've been a cnance that you're depressed or something." Evan popped his head up. "Me? No- not yet- I mean I haven't tried yet as in not recently no-" Evan choked out. 

Connor gave him a look before shrugging. "You can leave now or whatever. Oh, by the way. Just because we're doing this little act of us having a bond, don't think I'm gonna start sucking your dick about it. This is just an act." Connor glared at him as if he was trying to drill the information in his brain.

_'I wasn't gonna ask for it anyway.'_

"Uhm okay- but can't we at least be friends?" Evan asked, immediately regreting it. He bit his lips as Connor looked at him like he was stupid, he's not stupid, just a little lonely-

"No." Connor bluntly added before turning away. 

Evan spoke up again.

"Not even pretend friends?" 

Connor looked at him with a stoic expression. Giving in, Connor sighed and said, "Fine. We can be _pretend friends_."

After that, Evan couldn't remember if he'd ever smile as big as he was smiling right now.

"Great."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyysjsndjdndhd  
> i have exams tomorrow and wanna die  
> whats new  
> oh and one more thing thats worth mentioning-  
> (THAT GUY FROM OUR SCHOOL JARED KLEINMAN YES THE INSANELY COOL JARED KLEEIINNMMAAN!!!)  
> sorry- but you get bonus points if you see the hamilton reference its hard just squint  
> hint: its lowkey a line in "Aaron Burr, Sir"  
> another hint: its in here twice


	4. telling jokes no one understands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Connor: cynthia keeps bugging me about how i should have ur nimber_
> 
> _Connor: she says u left befre any of them could get it_
> 
> _Connor: she wanted to ask 4 u to come over to dinner tmmr bc im going home or some shit liek that_
> 
> _Connor: just come so she can shut the fuck up already its gettin on my nerbes_

Evan stood outside of the hospital. He called Jared just a while ago to pick him up. Evan felt.... good, for once. He liked the idea that he and Connor were friends. Well, _pretend_ friends, but that can't be any worse than family friends. He stood there for what seemed like an hour before a gray altima honked in front of Evan's face. 

Which made him shriek.

Like a little girl. 

Jared rolled down his window laughing. "Dude, have you passed by puberty yet?"  Evan rolled his eyes at Jared's comment, but he could tell his face was burning. "Get in already pipsqueak, I don't have all day." Evan wobbled his way into the car and closed the door, wincing when the door closed too loudly for his taste.

"How'd the break up go? I mean he probably wants to get as far away from you as possible." Jared ask while using one hand to steer and the other to try to plug in his phone charger. Evan watched him carefully. Jared can be a good driver, but always decides to be reckless just to freak Evan out. 

"No- No- It went fine- I mean we didn't- didn't break up- BECAUSE- BECause we- we- n-never were- like- together- um- well- you see- what- what-" _'What am I saying, what am I saying!?'_ "What happened was- erm- he laughed at me- because-because I didn't tell his parents they were wrong at first- but- uhm- he said we could- like lie- lie to his family- about- about having a- a bond- then said we- we could be- um- friends?" Evan explained. 

Jared gave him a look. He cocked an eyebrow and studied Evan. "I would get why he laughed at you, but asked to be his friend? Evan Hansen, are you really trying to lie to me?"

"W-Well not- not- actual friends- uhm- more like- like pretend friends."

"Pretend friends?" Jared asked before starting to laugh at him. He laughed for at least a minute or two before Evan grumbled at him. "Okay that's enough Jared."

"Dude! _'Pretend'_ friends are another level of imaginary friends. Not only is it sad, but worse than family friends. He's making a joke out of you." Jared let out a small chuckle before starting to turn left. Evan frowned. _'I'm the one who asked to be pretend friends, but now that I think about it, it does sound sad.'_

Evan sighed before staring out the window. He let Jared ramble on about his new gaming console or whatever and started to worry. What if Jared was right? What is Connor was just pranking Evan to make him feel welcomed then start talking about him behind his back. That's something Connor would do right? Or what if he was planning to use Evan in some weird corrupted way? Or-

"Hellooooo. Acorn, did you turn deaf?"

Evan snapped out of his thoughts and looked over at Jared. "I guess you did. What I _said_ was, do you wanna come over to my place tomorrow? You know, so I can keep getting my parents to pay for my car insurance." He added the end quickly. Evan wanted to decline, he was getting tired of Jared reminding him he was only using him, but he had no one else so far so he accepted. "Fine, I'll- I'll come."

"Good choice. I'll pick you up after school, so don't forget. By the way, we've arrived to your destination. Now get out. I have to go hang out with my _real_ friends." Jared smirked, waving Evan off as if he was some fly pestering him. That last comment physically hurt Evan, but he decided not to show it. "Later, tree hugger." Jared called out before driving away. Evan sighed and unlocked his house. It was small, and only one story, but it was really all they needed, in fact, might've been a little too big. 

Evan walked around a bit remembering how the house didn't feel as big when his dad was still here. The thought of his father made him frown. Evan stood in the house, then turned to the driveway. A small smile went up to his lips when he remembered a time where everything was normal. Back when Jared would actually call him a friends. Back when his mom was able to take him to the park to have a picnic. Back when they would meet the Kleinman's there and he and Jared would climb trees, but not all things last do they?

Evan looked down to his cast. Maybe Connor would give him a chance? Maybe not. Evan walked over to the kitchen, a magnet on the fridge holding a twenty dollar bill. He turned on his off-brand phone and saw two notifications. One was a text from his mom, telling him to order a pizza, and that she would be home late (as usual), but the other one was a Facebook notification.

It was friend request.... from Connor Murphy? Evan checked his profile, just to make sure it was the Connor Murphy from school, and sure enough it was. Hesitantly, he accepted, and watched as the message from Messenger say "You are now connected through Messenger!" He ignored it and watched as three dots popped onto the screen

_Connor: cynthia keeps bugging me about how i should have ur nimber_

_Connor: she says u left befre any of them could get it_

_Connor: she wanted to ask 4 u to come over to dinner tmmr bc im going home or some shit liek that_

_Connor: just come so she can shut the fuck up already its gettin on my nerbes_

Evan read each text carefully. Why exactly would they want him to go eat dinner with them. Probably so they could explain how he and Connor met each other or something around the edges of that.

_Evan: Okay, sure. So tomorrow?_

_Connor: thats wat i said didnt i_

_Evan: Right, sorry._

_Connor: eban whike txting you say sorry thats somthin_

Evan took a deep breath and set his phone down. Time to mentally prepare for this dinner. 

 

* * *

  

The school day went by pretty quick, much to Evan's dismay. He did _not_ want to eat dinner with the Murphy's. They all seemed nice, but what if embarrasses himself in front of Zoe? That'll make him hide under a rock for at least ten years.

He had no choice now. He already agreed he didn't want anyone to think he stood them up and then make them hate him forever.  

Evan stood next to his locker taking deep breaths. He's been mentally preparing for this since yesterday afternoon, and he still isn't ready. He felt a hand touch his shoulder and he accidentally squeaked. He knew better to not shriek at school, especially after Jared's joke yesterday, but he genuinely got scared. Proves how anxious he was. "Calm yourself, Hansen." Connor looked at him weird. "Let's go. You're not bailing on me. I don't need Cynthia and Larry pissing at me because you didn't come."

_'Then that's off the list.'_

Evan looked at him a little weirdly, who calls their parents by their first name? Connor acts as if he wasn't even related but to his family. Connor looked back at him, Evan realized that he'd been walking away, "Hurry the fuck up I don't have all day." Evan rushed behind Connor, trying to avoid stares of the students. 

They soon reached the student parking lot and Evan was surprised as they walked up to a white camry. Evan didn't know too much about cars, but just enough to know that this was the latest model(, thanks to Jared). "Is this yours?" Evan looked up to the taller male. Connor shook his head and opened his mouth to say something before being cut off by another voice. 

"It's mine." Zoe called out. Evan gave her a wave as she returned it with a small smile. "Where's your car, Connor?" Evan asked, turning his attention back to him. Again, he opened his mouth to try to say something but got cut off by his sister. "It's basically under house arrest. Dad took away his car keys because he tried to drive it off a bridge."

Evan coughed out a "wow", and uncomfortably shifted to the side as Connor yelled at her, "Fuck off, Zoe! I can speak for myself and I was high and drunk when I did what I did. I didn't try to it was an _accident_." He defended himself. Zoe scoffed and muttered a "whatever" before unlocking the car. Connor climbed into the backseat and slammed the door closed. Evan hesitantly sat in the passenger seat before softly closing the door. The ride to the Murphy residence was silent. Evan would've liked it, but the tension between the two siblings was thick. 

 _'Don't interfere.'_ He reminded himself. 

"Evan, why are you even friends with this asshole?" Zoe suddenly blurted out. He was tooken aback. "What-" 

"Oh don't even start." Connor shouted. Evan winced. The two began to argue back and forth, louder every time they commented back. Evan groaned and took his turn to shout. "Enough!" He immediately regretted it. Both the siblings stopped their argument. The tension only got thicker.

Evan sighed, in somewhat relief, as they made it to a driveway. They were parked in a house that would come from one of those rich people magazines. The ones his mother would always roll her eyes at. Zoe turned pulled her keys out of the ignition and walked out. Connor and Evan in pursuit. 

Zoe unlocked the door and Cynthia came rushing out to Evan. She hugged him tightly, "Evan! How are you?" He stiffed up. Not knowing what to do, he patted her back awkwardly, "Uhm- G-Good."

"Cynthia stop it already." Larry muttered from the side, barely audible. Connor walked passed them. He made his way to the stairs, leaving Evan behind. "Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes, so you can go to Connor's room if you'd like." Cynthia smiled at him. He nodded and turned to where Zoe was standing, but saw that she had already left. 

Hesitantly walking to the stairs, Evan studied the house. Most of the walls were shades of peach, with furniture that matched the color. From what Evan saw the kitchen had a green shade, but he didn't look into it much. He walked up the stairs. There were five doors. two on each side and one directly in front of him. _'Which one is Connor's?'_ Evan slightly panicked.

He walked to the one in front of him. It was just a supply closet with towels. He turned to the left. Peeked slightly into the door and sighed in relief. It was only the bathroom. He went for the door on the right. The room inside was a bright yellow with a king sized bed. _'Must be Cynthia and Larry's room.'_

He looked over to the door to the right of the older Murphy's room. It was decorated with stars and held a sign that read, _'stay out'_. Not only was it decorated with arts and crafts, but with scratches and dents the size of fists. Deciding to not look inside the room, (and afraid that it was Zoe's, )he turned to the door across from it. It was like the first two doors, but had no door knob. Evan pushed it slightly and peeked in. He saw Connor on a twin bed smoking what seemed like a cigarette, but smelled otherwise.

Evan coughed to have Connor acknowledge his presence and closed the door behind him. "You- You know... Your- your door has- has no- no- door knob-."

_'Of course he knows Evan, it's his house!!!'_

"Oh really. I didn't know." Connor commented sarcastically, and gave him a slight glare, before turning back to his blunt. "R-Right- sorry-" 

"They always take it off after I try to commit suicide. They get scared I'm going to do it again, even though they don't do shit about it." Connor meekly explained. The two watched the smoke pour in and out of the older's mouth. "Well, sit down. I'm not gonna throw a fucking printer at you." 

Evan rushed next to Connor, inhaling as little fumes as possible, and looked at Connor. "So- uhm- we're Facebook buddies now." Evan choked out, desperate to leave that setting. Connor looked at him as if he was stupid. Evan panicked more and bit his lip, the metallic taste of blood flooding in.

Evan looked around the room. It wasn't as messy as Evan would thought it would be. The room was a dark shade of purple, almost black, and the walls were bare. Evan could see Panic! At the Disco and My Chemical Romance albums under a jacket. He tried to not look into things to much. The scene was making him more anxious than what he already was. "You- um- listen to Panic?" Evan blurted.

"Mhm." Was all Connor replied in return. "Do you?" He asked, propping himself on his two elbows. "I-I'm not much of a-a music person, but- I've- I've listened to-o a couple of-of their songs." Evan stuttered. Connor sat up straight this time. He looked at Evan in the eyes. "Name three songs." 

Evan nodded and named the first three that came to mind, "Uh- I-I write sins not-not tradgeties, Vic-Victorious, and- um- Death of-of a Bachelor."

"Oh please, those are the songs that people listen to and claim that they're part of the fandom, when they aren't. Have you listened to any other ones?" 

Evan shook his head as Connor shrugged, flopping back onto the bed.

"You're the one missing out." 

Evan's phone vibrated a couple times in his pocket. He decided to ignore it, coming to the conclusion that it was probably his mom telling him she'll be home late. He already told her he'd be at a friend's house, so she would text him as little as possible, happy with the idea of that said friend.

The two sat in silence. Evan looked over to his right and locked eyes with Connor. He had bloodshot eyes, which indicated the fact he was high. Evan turned away feeling the blush form on his cheeks as Connor turned back to finishing his blunt.  "You look like you would be a theater nerd." Connor blurted out. Evan looked at him and hummed in response. "What-what makes you say that?" 

"I dunno, but I can just picture you crying at the part where Phillip Hamilton dies in Hamilton or scream at the top of your lungs _'Rich set a fire and he burned down the house'_ from Be More Chill."

"Are-are you a-a theater nerd?" 

"Not really. I've only listened to three musicals so far."

"Cool."

They sat in silence again. At that point Connor had already finished his blunt, but his high decided to stay. The tension died down slightly, but it still hung around. Soon Zoe pushed open the door and looked over at Evan. "Just warning you, my mom made organic sphagetti, so careful."

"Wh-What's so bad about that?" Evan cocked his head to the side slightly in confusion, and Connor rose up from his position. "She's always going through some phase and her cooking is terrible." Zoe looked at her brother in somewhat disgust, then she turned to look at Evan. She studied him before accidentally making eye contact. Her eyes seemed to search for the reason of why he and Connor were hanging out together. She turned away shrugging. "That's all I wanted to say. Connor don't be a dick and don't get Evan high too."

 _'Why would she care if I'm high or not?'_ Evan asked to himself. He turned to Connor and saw him flip her off before tugging his own hair and muttering to himself. Evan sat there, and his eyes trailed back to his cast. He sighed, this tension being too much for him, as his thoughts overcame him. He shook and started to hyperventilate. _'Not now.'_  Evan felt the tears starting to form in his eyes. _'I'm such a fucking freak.'_

"Dinners ready!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehhhhh sorry for not updating in a while  
> but heeyyyyy its summer now so ill update frequently i hope  
> k hope you enjoyed bye


	5. quoting songs by our favorite bands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Connor? Sweetie... Do me a favor?"
> 
> "What do you want?" Connor spat out. He didn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it came out, but it was not in his nature to apologize, so he kept his resting bitch face.
> 
> "Ask Evan if he can come over for dinner tomorrow. We all want to meet him properly."
> 
> "No, Mom. Evan has better things to do than have dinner with a corrupted family."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its been a while i was too busy being lazy and reading tree bros and lams enjoy

Connor was simply not having it.

First, he was being weird and became "pretend friends" with Evan Hansen. Then, he keeps getting bugged by Cynthia who wanted him to invite Evan even though he didn't even have his number. And now he's sitting on his bed, high might you add, with said Evan Hansen.

He can't even explain why he was  _nice_ to Evan, if you could even call it being nice. He blames the medication, which was starting to kick in 5 minutes before Evan came inside the room, but some voice in his head would constantly tell him it was because he wasn't a monster, and still had the capability of feelings other than anger. He pushed those thoughts aside, because he was a monster. At least that's what he's been told for quite some time.

That night Larry and Cynthia took him back home. Well what he'd call home, but definitely didn't feel like home. The first thing Connor noticed was that Larry had already took the doorknob off his door, like they did the other three times. They most likely already ransacked his room by now. 

The moment he stepped in Cynthia lingered around the doorway. "Connor? Sweetie... Do me a favor?"

Although his family hates him, Cynthia seemed to be the one who could mostly tolerate him. Larry favorited Zoe, Cynthia favorited Connor. It was that simple, wrong on the behalf of the parents, but simple. 

"What do you want?" Connor spat out. He didn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it came out, but it was not in his nature to apologize, so he kept his resting bitch face.

"Ask Evan if he can come over for dinner tomorrow. We all want to meet him properly."

"No, Mom. Evan has better things to do than have dinner with a corrupted family." Zoe called from across the hall. She sent a glare to Connor before slamming her door shut.

"You took the words right out of my mouth." Connor rolled his eyes at Zoe's door and looked back to face Cynthia. "Anyways why ask me?"

"Evan left before we were able to get his number. You must have it, right?"

"Yeah, but I ain't gonna waste his time with this shit family."

She gave him a pleading look, "Please?"

"No."

"Connor plea-"

"I already said no."

"Hear me ou-"

"God fucking jesus christ I said no!"

"Connor, I-"

"NO."

Silence. Connor took deep breaths and closed his eyes. He turned away and counted to four and back to regulate his breathing.

"I just need to know why."

Connor turned back around and glared at her. "You already asked that back at the hospital. Which means you already know the answer."

"No- no I mean- why-..... Why did you hide him from us? He seemed wonderful. I can't pinpoint why he hasn't been here this whole time." She sounded so needy. As if she wanted to help Connor. And for a second, Connor believed it. 

Silence.

_One..._

_Two..._

_Three..._

Connor clenched his fists. He was getting ready to yell at Cynthia. Scream at her, throw the nearest object at her to tell her to fuck off, and she probably thought that too because she got tense. Instead, he dropped his shoulders and averted his eye contact.

"I'll tell you if he comes or not." Was all Connor said before turning to his drawer where his phone sat. He could feel the beam radiate off Cynthia as she walked away. Connor wanted to feel happy with her, but then he thought to himself, _Shit I don't even have this kid's number_. 

Having no other social media, Connor went onto Facebook and looked up _Evan Hansen_. After scrolling for a bit, the 8th profile seemed to be recognizable. The profile picture was what seemed like a 14 year old version of Jared and Evan, with Jared giving Evan an uncomfortable nuggie. 

After sending a friend request, Connor was surprised it was accepted a minute later. _At least he's still using it_ , Connor silently sighed in victory as he went onto Messenger.

"Have you texted him yet, Connor!?" He heard Cynthia yell from downstairs. Connor heavily sighed and retorted back to her, "NO NOT YET."

_Connor: cynthia keeps bugging me about how i should have ur nimber_

_Connor: she says u left befre any of them could get it_

_Connor: she wanted to ask 4 u to come over to dinner tmmr bc im going home or some shit liek that_

_Connor: just come so she can shut the fuck up already its gettin on my nerbes_

Connor impatiently watched as the three dots appeared and disappeared constantly before getting a reply.

_Evan: Okay, sure. So tomorrow?_

Connor held in a groan at his perfect grammar, but kept it in and thought of a witty remark to retort back to him.

_Connor: thats wat i said didnt i_

_Evan: Right, sorry._

_Connor: eban whike txting you say sorry thats somthin_

He watched as Evan left the message on read and he set his phone down. Honestly, Connor left the typos and acronyms to see if it was bugging Evan. Of course there was no need to, but he wanted to be bitchy like that.

Connor scanned his phone. Cynthia was bugging him a while back to get a new phone because apparently the iPhone 5 wasn't exactly _modern_ anymore. Not to mention it's screen was cracked as hell, but he could care less. He only had four contacts,( five including 911,) them being Larry, Cynthia, Zoe, and his drug dealer, David, so there was no use for a new phone.

Getting back on subject, Connor set the phone down and poked his head out to the hallway. "EVAN SAID HE'S COMING."

"Great!"

He was closing the door until he made eye contact with Zoe. 

"Are you threatening him?"

Connor glared at her.

"It's great to know my _sister_ can trust me with having friends that aren't drug dealers."

Zoe averted eye contact and clenched her fists. She muttered something under her breath before slamming her door shut. Connor growled. 

"Speak louder for the people in the back!" He shouted before going over to her door and kicking it. He walked back to his room, ignoring Larry's complaints before looking for his stash of pot. He couldn't find it. He groaned before flopping onto his bed. 

"I should've fucking died."

 

* * *

 

Connor was simply not having it. 

The car ride to the house awful. The awkward tension in the room was thick. The conversation was meaningless. By the time dinner would be ready everything had already gone to shit. 

To be honest, it was nice to have a normal person conversation about his bands, and he really hasn't told anyone he's listened to musicals before, but he blames it on the pot. He doesn't want to believe he has capabilities of being a person with sympathetic feelings.

That's why he left Evan alone when he seemed to be having a panic attack. Only a bad person would do that right? Well that's what he was, a bad person. He just met the kid why would he kiss his ass and help him when they're complete strangers? Being literal they were _pretend friends_ , but in reality they were strangers. Not even acquaintances as Alana calls everyone, they were complete  and utter strangers.

Connor didn't feel bad for letting Evan have a panic attack. Nor did he feel good. He just laid there hearing his breathing stagger and glanced at him every once in a while to see him shake and form tears in his eyes. He just laid there waiting for the shit dinner with the shit family be over. And when Cynthia called out saying dinner was ready. one thought rang through his ears. 

_God this is gonna be shitty._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i feel like this was a filler chapter but im just showing connors point of view to show that its not only evan so yeah hope you enjoyed


	6. feels like we could go on for forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah! And we went far in the orchard to an open field that was framed by the trees, we sat still singing stupidly, and we talked and took in the view." Connor talked quick and what seemed to be giddy. He stood up and talke with his hands, making gestures to the trees. 
> 
> Evan joined in with the hand gestures, a nervous smile starting to reach his face. "All we saw was sky, for- well- for forever. We let the world passed by and it felt like we could go on like that, as two friends on a perfect day."

"Dinner's ready!!"

_Crap crap crap crap crap._

Evan shook his thoughts out of his mind and harshly wiped his eyes. He hoped his face wasn't blotchy or his eyes weren't red and he counted to four and back to stabilize his breathing. 

_One..._

_Two..._

_Three..._

_Four..._

_Three..._

_Two..._

_One..._

_Two..._

_Three..._

Evan let out a small breath of relief and turn to his left to see Connor wasn't sprawled in the space next to him.

"You just gonna sit there or you gonna get your ass going?"

"R-Right sorry- sorry." Evan breathed out while shooting up to walk behind Connor, making sure they had a reasonable amount of space behind them.

"Whatever they say, don't engage in the conversation. Just nod your head and agree." Connor told him in a whisper as they walked down the stairs slowly. Too slowly in Evan's mind, causing his anxiety to rise. "What-What do you mean by-by that?" 

Connor sighed and stopped at the end of the stairs to turn to Evan. "Basically, don't make up shit. Whatever they say just nod your head and say 'yeah that's true'. We don't need to make this more difficult than it already is."

"Oh o-okay."

Connor turned back around and walked to the dining room. He realized his previous statement of the kitchen and dining room going for the green aesthetic was correct. He sat down in a chair and noticed how quiet and tense the room was. He looked down at the fresh spaghetti and mumbled a thank you to Cynthia.

"He's probably high." Zoe muttered as she shot a glare at Connor as he sat down to the right of Evan. "Fuck you!" He growled and Evan noticed how he gripped the cuffs of his hoodie. "Fuck you!" She retorted in the same tone as her brother.

"Connor, Zoe, please. We have a guest. Besides, he is not high!"

Connor's face turned to a sly smirk as he looked at Cynthia with a ' _You're joking right?_ ' face. Cynthia focused on his eyes as she looked at him baffled and in slight disappointment. "Are you high!?" She took his silent response in and rubbed circles into her temples, muttering to herself.

"Just because I have a _friend_ over doesn't mean I'm gonna magically change. He knows me for the shit I am, right Evan?" Connor nudged him with his shoulder as he heard Zoe mutter under her breath, "Shit is right."

The room became pin drop silent, and Evan noticed how Larry had yet to say a word. The three teenagers had yet to touch their food as Evan just moved it around the plate.

"Mom, this spaghetti is terrible."

Zoe was the first to daringly bring up a comment. Cynthia gave her a slight glare as she started to defend her food. "It is not. The Harrison's came over and gave me the ingredients." Zoe and Connor both seem to tense to that family's name. Cynthia must've seen the confused look in Evan's eyes because she continued.

"The Harrison's are our neighbors, but I guess you already knew that. Has Connor told you about them?"

Evan's heart skipped a beat as he reluctantly and quickly nodded. "Has he told you about our ski trips with them?" She sympathetically asked as Connor groaned. Evan nodded again.

"Yeah- He- Connor loves- skiing."

Connor was quick to jump in, laughing loudly and nervously, as he harshly kicked Evan's shin under the table. "I _hate_ skiing." He angrily muttered under his breath as he nudged Evan's shoulder with his own, more rough than the first time.

Evan noticed the other three Murphy's confused faces as he corrected himself. "Right! I mean- He- Connor- He- loves to _talk_ about how much he hates skiing!" He smiled and joined in with Connor's nervous laughter.

"How come we haven't heard of you before?" Cynthia continued the conversation. _How am I supposed to nod and agree if she isnt asking me any simple questions?_ "We hung out in secret? Because- Because we- hung out in secret at a secret place or here when no one was around or at that secret place.... yeah." Evan mentally slapped himself at how unconvincing he sounded, but kept his posture.

"Really? Because the only time I ever saw you and Connor together was when he pushed you in the hallway." Zoe sat back and crossed her arms, giving Evan a suspicious look. "That's- that's because he didn't want to be seen with me? Because he um-" Evan held in a whimper as Connor kicked his shin again and Cynthia cut him off.

"He pushed you!? Connor!" She glared at him. "NO! No! Please don't get angry at him- it- it was my fault- He- w-we said that we-we wouldn't be near each other during school- and it was my fault because I did- you know- and it was my fault, I'm sorry."

"Still, very rude of you Connor. Why would you?" Cynthia sighed as Zoe continued, " _Friends_ don't _do_ that to each other Connor." She spat out.

"Yeah? Well I can't live up to my _school shooter_ reputation if people know I have _a_   _friend_ now can I?" He gave her a glare and Evan stiffed up. _That stupid joke Jared made was the thing that started this_.

Cynthia rolled her eyes and Evan continued. "Well- yeah like I said- it was- um- my-my f-fault and he- he doesn't want to be seen with me because- because- well- I'm-"

"A nerd?" Zoe finished for him and Evan gulped in some air. 

"Well- Well I was going to say a loser- but- yeah- n-nerd works too-"

The room went silent again. 

"How did you guys even talk with each other then?"

"Uh- uhm- emails?" Evan embraced himself for Connor's shin kick.

"Really? Because the night Connor went to the hospital we checked his phone and email and there was no trace of you." Zoe defended and Evan could see her suspicion rise.

"Right! Of course! Because- Because they were-were secret emails- email accounts- I-I forgot to mention that." Evan felt his foot make contact with his shin and he held in a cry.

Silence. Again.

"So. Where was this secret place you were talking about Evan?" Zoe pushed.

"Uhm- It was- at- at a place with- with trees?" He mentally cursed himself at his stupid assumption as he felt Connor's foot collide with his shin again. However the rest of the family took it in differently.

"Connor took you to the orchard?"

Cynthia gawked at him. Evan nodded and felt Connor's eyes fix on him as a way to tell him, ' _Don't fuck up_.'

"Yeah- Yeah we went there- which was great by the way-"

"BUT! Since the place has been closed for years we were so, _so_ disappointed when we got there." Connor jumped in and kicked his foot at Evan's shin again. "We jumped the fence since it was closed and stuff."

"Yeah- Yeah it was- around May? Or early June. It was- it was this perfect afternoon we shared." Evan gulped in air as he and Connor shared glances. 

Cynthia smiled and looked at Larry, who refused to speak. "What was that ice cream shop we used to visit?"

"À La Mode." Zoe muttered under her breath as she kept her gaze to the floor.

Connor, who seemingly decided it was time to partake in the action, spoke up, "We went to À La Mode and grabbed a scoop and we kept driving the country road 'til we got there."

Evan nodded and stood up to pace the room, deciding that his legs felt to cramped. He winced at how his left shin hurt, but continued nonetheless. "Yeah- when we got there we were quoting songs by our favorite bands like Panic! At The Disco and Hamilton, technically speaking Hamilton doesn't count as a band, but we still quoted it, and we told jokes no one could understand except us two."

"Yeah! And we went far in the orchard to an open field that was framed by the trees, we sat still singing stupidly, and we talked and took in the view." Connor talked quick and what seemed to be giddy. He stood up and talked with his hands, making gestures to the trees. 

Evan joined in with the hand gestures, a nervous smile starting to reach his face. "All we saw was sky, for- well- for forever. We let the world passed by and it felt like we could go on like that, as two friends on a perfect day."

"We finally got up off our asses and walked a while and talked about the things we'd do when we finally get out of a hell of school."

"Bike the Appalachian trail?"

"Or write a book!"

"Or learn to sail."

"Wouldn't that be cool?" Connor spoke in a somewhat teasing yet sarcastic tone as they both continued to dig deeper for a story.

"There's nothing we can't discuss. Like girls we wished would notice us, but never do." Evan sympathetically smiled as his eyes glanced towards Zoe, but he quickly darted them away.

"I looked around and we had a touchy moment-"

"What kind of moment?" Cynthia smiling in question, seemingly drowning in pride and sorrow.

"Uhm- well- I told him there was no where else I'd rather be and he said 'Me too'. That counts as touchy right?" Cynthia smiled grew bigger at Connor's response as Evan continued to make up the story. He inwardly flinched. He was lying, it was a reflex, but they were already ankle deep, there was no going back.

"And we kept talking and taking in the view."

"And we kept talking and taking in the view." Connor repeated. He gave Evan and small smile as he thought to himself, _Connor Murphy doesn't smile what is going on_. Evan smiled back.

"And then there Connor went! Racing towards the tallest tree, and from far across the yellow feild I hear him calling 'Follow me!'. Then there we go wondering how the world might look from up so high. One foot, after the other. One branch, then to another. We climbed higher and higher, until the entire sun shined on my face."

Evan realized he felt too happy about how smooth the story was. He needed it to be more realistic. "And then I suddenly felt the branch give way. Then I was one the ground, and my arm was completely numb." Evan looked down to his cast, the _CONNOR_ still screaming for attention, and let a sad look wash over him. "I looked around, and I saw Connor come to get me. He came to get me and he took me to the hospital and everything was okay."

He looked to see the Murphy's give him a baffled look, especially Connor. He heard him let out a soft sigh as he spoke up again. "And- it's still us. Buddy, you and I are for forever that way. As two friends, true friends, on a perfect day." He gave Evan a sad, yet somewhat hopeful, smile and sat back down. Evan sat back next to him as he checked the time. "I should be getting home."

"I'll drive you." Larry spoke up after and eternity of silence and walked over to the key hanger. He waved goodbye at Cynthia and Zoe as she still stared at the ground as if it were the most interesting thing in the world, and Cynthia hugged him. "You're always welcomed here. No more need to come when no one's around, alright?" Evan nodded and Connor walked with him to the door, Larry already in the car turning it on.

"Wow we did the exact opposite of what I told you to do, didn't we?" He laughed as Evan lightly chuckled with him. "I guess so. See you soon? I mean- we go to school together and have Language Arts together of course I'll see you soon- I mean see you at school?- wait that's the same thing- ugh- I mean- Bye I'll text you?"

"Mhm." Connor nodded before walking upstairs, presumably to his room. Evan sat inside the passenger seat as they backed out the driveway, the only words between them were Evan's adress. After what seemed to be five minutes Larry broke the awkward tension and silence.

"Thank you for today. For sharing that experience with Connor I mean. He never- you know- opens up to us, so it's good to know a part of his life is good." Evan nodded as a way to agree before silence filled them again. 

"Are you and Connor dating?"

"What!?" Evan was tooken aback as Larry continued to explain. "I mean- The secret emails? Secret meetings? The orchard and À La Mode? You must be special to him, son." Evan turned defensive as he stared at the road ahead. "Even if I am special to him, we aren't dating." Larry nodded and sighed in what seemed to be relief as Evan thought to himself,  _Something tells me that even if we were dating, Larry wouldn't approve._

As Larry pulled into the driveway and Evan was surprised by his mom's car in the driveway early. He waved goodbye to Larry as he climbed out and pulled out his phone to find it dead. He grumbled and walked inside. He smiled sadly at the sight of his mom passed out on the couch with a pizza box on the coffee table. She most likely came early to talk to him about the dinner.

Evan sighed, realizing how much his mom needed this, and pulled up a blanket over her body, kissing her temple and bidding her good night. He turned off all the lights and walked up to his room. He changed, put his phone to charge, climbed into the bed, and fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

_jared: yo acorn what time are you getting here? my mom already made you an extra plate for dinner_

_jared: did you get kidnapped or something? did you fall out of a tree on the way here?_

_jared: evan???_

_jared: thanks for standing me up jerk_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its up!! im writing this during fathers day so i hope you had a good time! uhm i dont know how to be comforting or whatever but have a good day i guess?? adios!
> 
> EDIT- nvm its not fathers day anymore but three am still hope you enjoyed larry tho idk im tired i want to sleep for 24 hours every day


	7. wait and see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are we done yet?" Jared mumbled as he saved the email. 
> 
> "No?" Connor looked at Jared as if he were stupid. "We can't just give my parents one email we have to prove we were like good friends or something."
> 
> "Connor's right. Gimme the laptop."
> 
> "Oh my god."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its 7:50 i never wake up before ten this is not ok

"Afternoon, Asshole. Were you too busy fucking trees to come over?" 

"No! Jared! That's not- That's not what- what happened-"

"Alright then care to explain why my mom made an extra plate of dinner for _no one_."

Evan groaned. He looked at the upset Jared through the Skype call. The whole school day Jared ignored him, not to mention Connor skipped after English, and Evan was left alone wondering what he did wrong this time and having the clues of Jared's text made it easy to recall in no time. 

"I-I just forgot and-and I went to-to Connor's house to-"

"Woah woah woah woah, back up. _Connor_ as in the _Connor Murphy_. The hell are you doing hanging out with him instead of me!?" Jared huffed, his face turning a light shade of crimson.

"I was-"

"I mean not that I care or anything but like you made my mom cook extra food for no reason." He said in a quick tone that was anxious, _but that was normal right? No need to be suspicious? Right, no need_.

"Can-can I explain now?"

"Knock yourself out. Why were you hanging out with a killer psycho?" 

Evan took a deep breath, he had no other friends to complain to so might as well just get over. _Rip_ _off_ _the_ _bandage,_ _right?_ _Right_. "So you-you know how I write my-my daily letters and-and stuff?"

"You mean your creepy sex letters?"

"They're not-They're not sex letters." 

Jared gave him a suspicious look and sinked back into his chair. "Go on." 

"Well so, um, like his parents thought we were friends right? And-"

"If you're talking about how his daddy and mommy think you're his friend then I already know. You told me when I picked you up from the hospital, remember? Or am I that insignificant to you that you forgot already-"

Evan jumped as he felt a wave of panic wash over him. He rapidly shook his head and tried to force the words out of his mouth, _I hate it when my words fail_. "NO! NO- No, Jared it's not like that it's just-"

"Whatever, just keep going."

Evan gulped and reluctantly continued. "So- Connor- he-he messaged me, on Messenger, and said his-his parents wanted to have dinner with me-"

"Wow, showing you his parents already? Damn Hansen, great job on getting laid by Freddy Krueger."

" _Jared_." To say Evan was getting exhausted would be an understatement.

"Okay okay keep going." Jared sighed, rolled his eyes, and sank back in his chair

"Basically I-I made up this whole story with him? And we need like- emails because-because we said Connor had a secret email account to talk with me with." 

"You're telling me bits of information, why? Why not the whole story?" 

Evan ran a hand through his hair in exasperation and looked at his polo shirt which was far more interesting than this conversation. "Because you're like- good with technology and stuff so I really really really need your help making emails?"

Jared laughed. _Why is he laughing he's not supposed to be laughing shit you messed up_ , "You'd owe me then. What are you willing to give?" He eyed Evan through the screen. 

"Uhm- I- I could let you copy my Chem notes?"

"So?"

"For a week?"

"Hmmmm, will you be willing to add the answers for today and tomorrow's math homework?" Jared gave a smug smirk. He played with something on his desk (probably a pen because of the clicking sound but you never know), and it made Evan get more and more anxious. "Will you help me or not?"

"I guess, come over at 7."

"Thank god, you're a lifesaver."

"Yeah I know."

 

* * *

 

"Remind me why you brought Gerard Way with you." Jared referred to the Connor that was sprawled over the floor with his eyes closed. "He's not high is he?"

"He has a name you know, Kleinman. And for your information Gerard Way is actually a great artist."

"I don't know why you're here, so therefore you don't exist right here." Jared looked down at Connor before turning to Evan. "Evan, didn't Heidi ever tell you to not get things of off the street?"

"Gee thanks."

"Again you're not here."

Evan sighed. _These_ _two_ _fight_ _like_ _third_   _graders_ _I_ _swear_. "We need Connor to make his emails more Connor-y."

"Please I wouldn't even write emails in the first place, Hansen." Connor scoffed as he started to sit up. He looked at Evan with red eyes. Whether he was crying or high before Evan got to him was a mystery, but he was here now so it's good.

The room became deadly silent. The laptop on Jared's desk lightly dim. The awkward tension continued to grow, until Evan coughed.

"So- I- uh- have a bruise forming on my shin."

"Your fault."

"You're the one who kicked me in the first place. Five times in fact."

"Oh boo hoo. It's your fault for making up stupid ideas."

Evan could slightly see a playful glint in Connor's eyes but it was gone as quickly as it appeared because Jared coughed obnoxiously loudly and pulled up in his wheely chair with laptop in his lap. "Let's get started shall we." The two boys hung around behind Jared as he started to type. 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_We've been-_

"Get rid of the grammar." Connor bluntly added making Jared groan and start over.

_dear evan hansen,_

_weve been way too out of touch. shit has been crazy and it sucks that we dont talk that much. but i should tell you that i think of you each night_

_i rub my nipples and start moaning with delight_

"Why would you write that!?" Evan shouted as Connor let out an annoyed groan. "What? There's nothing wrong with two gay's unrequited love. I'm just trying to tell the truth." Jared smirked at the two.

"You are insufferable." Connor growled and swatted Jared upside the head. Jared gave him a sarcastic smile and shoved him. "Awww thanks. Same goes to you."

"These emails have to be perfect, they have to prove that we're friends! Just-" Evan took a deep breath and took the laptop from Jared. "I'll do it."

"Be my guest." Jared rolled his eyes and looked over Evan's shoulder.

_i really fucking hate to admit this but ive gotta tell you life without you has been hard-_

"Hard?" Jared scoffed as Evan huffed rewrote the sentence.

_has been bad_

"Bad?" Evan groaned at Jared.

_has been rough_

"Ooh! Kinky!" Jared smirked while nudging Evan.

_and i miss talking about shit like life and other stuff_

"Very specific." Jared smirked as he poked Evan's cheek. Evan pushed his hand away muttering and turning a bright pink.

"Shut up Kleinman." Connor defended and Jared scoffed. "What? Are you, like, his boyfriend? You seem pretty overprotective 'bout him."

"I would actually pimp slap you if we were five feet away from your house."

_i like my parents_

"Who exactly says that?

_i love my parents i do, but each day's another fight_

_maybe if i stop smoking drugs then everything might be alright i guess_

"Smoking drugs? What am I? Nine?" Connor asked as Evan deleted the word _drugs_. "Just fix it."

"I got it." Evan passed the laptop to Jared.

_if i stop smoking crack_

"I don't do crack that often." 

_if i stop smoking pot then everything might be alright_

_ill take your advice i guess, and try to be more nice? ill turn it around, wait and see_

_because all that it takes is a little reinvention and its easy to change if you give it your attention. all you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be_

_sincerely,_ _me_

"Are we done yet?" Jared mumbled as he saved the email. 

"No?" Connor looked at Jared as if he were stupid. "We can't just give my parents _one_ email we have to prove we were like _good_ friends or something."

"Connor's right. Gimme the laptop."

"Oh my god."

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Yes I also miss our talks, stop doing drugs just try to take deep breaths and go on walks._

"No." Jared bluntly disagreed with Evan as he continued to type.

_I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees,_

"No."

_you'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise._

" _Absolutely_ _not_." Jared shook his head in exasperation and took the laptop out of Evan's hands.

_Dude, I really am proud of you. Just keep pushing through. You're turning around, I can, and you just wait and see! And you're right, all that it takes is a little reinvention. It'll be easy to change if you give it your attention. All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be._

_Sincerely, Me_

_(P.S. Your sister's hot)_

"What the hell." Connor and Evan glared at Jared as he shrugged and smiled as he deleted the last sentence. "My bad."

_dear evan hansen,_

_thanks for evey note you send. this means a lot to me and im just glad to be your friend. our friendship goes beyond your average type of bond. BUT NOT BECAUSE WERE GAY!! were close but not in that way right. the only man that i love is my dad._

Jared snickered as he whispered "Daddy" under his ear, and continued to write the letter with a flustered Connor Murphy stringing a line of profanities under his breath.

 _well anyway, im getting better everyday! in fact, i feel like were both getting better everyday. hey hey hey thats good right! as we keep saying, all that it takes is a little reinvention. and its easy to change if you give it your attention. all you gotta do, is just believe you can be who you wanna be, miss you dearly_  

_sincerely, me_

 

* * *

 

"Jared?" There was a knock on the door. Most presumably one of Jared's sisters. He did have four of them after all. (The youngest, Jennica, preferably Jenny, was ten. The second youngest, Jada, was twelve. The middle child, Jennifer, was fourteen. The second oldest, Jessica, preferably Jessie, was sixteen. Jared was the oldest, beating them at eighteen.)

Jared reluctantly opened the door surprised at Jessie and Jennifer bouncing inside and flopping onto his bed. Jared groaned. "What the fuck are you two doing in my room."

Jessie let out a dramatic gasp. " _Profanity_! We have a minor amongst us." Jennifer rolled her eyes at that. "How's the crush goin'?" _Of course they would ask about him_.

Tis true that Jared came out as gay four years ago (which at the moment was kind of embarrassing because his father said he had a hunch, but also wonderful because his family was amazingly supportive ), that did not mean he wanted to be pampered by his sisters whenever he had a crush.

Especially not by the two eldest sisters, considering the fact they were actual match making demons.

"Ugh, I don't understand why you're bothering me so much about him." Jared muttered, turning a light pink. 

"Because you've known him before I was born!" Jennifer yelled out and giggles. "You've been his friend since you were five. He's got to have _some_ feelings for you."

"Jen's right. Man up and ask him out already. We'll help you." Jessie winked and reached out for Jared's phone. He snatched it up from the bedside table and slapped Jessie's hand away. "No. Besides I've been kind of a dick to him, I don't think he'd want to."

"Oh Jared, you're always a dick. You need to be more chill." Jared rolled his eyes at Jennifer and pushed the two girls off his bed. "Now out of my room. I need to do something and it's almost midnight. Go the fuck to sleep or I'm telling mom."

"Pfft, something. Sure, whatever. Don't masturbate to Evan's name to loudly tonight, m'kay big bro?" Jessie snickered as she left the room. Jennifer behind her rolled her eyes, "My poor virgin ears." She sarcastically spat out as she closed the door. Jared stood there and sighed.

_Believe you can be who you wanna be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Also thanks for those of you that go as far to comment <3\. It's great to read them and it motivates me faster. Have a good day loves!


	8. why should i play this game of pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor heavily sighed and threw himself further into the seat, "I already told you. We're friends. Why is that so hard to understand."
> 
> "Because you're a fucking monster. No kid like Evan would even get near you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive me loves for not updating ive been procrastinating too much thank you for sticking with me and my shitty slow updates and honestly this is just a filller chapter sorry for not updating

"I swear to god just leave me the fuck alone." Connor hissed as his family continued to pester him at breakfast.

They wouldn't shut up about Evan.

Cynthia was overjoyed and pestered him on being more specific in detail every "email" he sent Evan.

Larry wouldn't stop poking him at how it was rude to not let Evan speak for himself that dinner. 

And last Zoe just wouldn't shut up on how _odd_ it was Connor and Evan were _friends_.

Connor took a sip off orange juice (they still haven't went to get more milk) and almost chocked at the words that left Cynthia's mouth. "Zoe, you're gonna have to go pick up Evan and take him to school with you and Connor."

"I'm sorry, _what_?" The two Murphy siblings chorused.

"Well, there's no need for Connor to hide his friendship with Evan anymore, and frankly I don't even know why he hid it in the first place, so I think it's alright for Connor to just be natural because I assume that that's what normal friends do right." She rambled.

Connor didn't failed to notice her wordplay. _'That's what normal friends do.'_

Zoe let out an exasperated sigh and slouched in her chair. "Fine, whatever. Connor hurry the fuck up we gotta go." 

Connor reluctantly walked upstairs to his room and grabbed his messenger bag. On the way down the stairs he sent a quick message to Evan.

_Connor: get ready hansen were takin you to school_

 

* * *

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be an amazing day, and here’s why!!_

Evan huffed as he typed out the missing letter from five days ago where everything made its way to hell. In his last visit with Dr. Sherman he noticed it missing and asked for Evan to bring it the next time he visited. Considering he already wrote today's letter last night, he thought now would be a good time.

_Because today all you have to do is just be yourself but also confident, that’s important, like easy to talk to, approachable, but mostly be yourself, like that’s number one, be yourself._

He mentally groaned at the dorkiness but continued anyway.

_Just be true to yourself. This doesn't have to be like yesterday._

_'Where you became the school bad boy's best friend out of the blue because, hey, that's normal, right? Right.'_ Evan almost added. Almost.

_Also though, don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get extremely sweaty. You can’t make it stop, no matter what you do, even though they're not gonna get sweaty. Not today. So I don’t even know why I'm bringing it up, because it’s not going to happen because all you have to do is be yourself._

_I can't give Dr. Sherman this..._ He trailed off. Evan looked over at the alarm clock on his desk across the room. _6:39. I have some time_. Evan stared at the letter for a while before his phone buzzed. 

_From Mom at 5:34 am: Ask Jared if he can take you to school I had to go to my shift early love you take care_

Evan noticed that the notification came from Messenger and quickly opened it.

_Connor: get ready hansen were takin you to school_

Evan's eyes trailed to the time. _6:47. I should start getting ready._

 

* * *

 

As Zoe drove into the Hansen's driveway she glared at Connor through the rear view mirror. "I'm not kidding, Connor. You better not be threatening him or anything."

Connor heavily sighed and threw himself further into the seat, "I already told you. We're _friends_. Why is that so hard to understand."

"Because you're a fucking _monster_. No kid like Evan would even get near you"

Connor felt his chest tighten. His fist clenched as he opened his mouth to yell back at her but was interrupted by Evan opening the car door.

"Please, don't." He whispered, and if Connor wasn't listening he would've missed it. 

Zoe sighed and reluctantly nodded while Connor just scoffed and looked out the window. He felt the seat next to him sink in slightly and the car move. 

After a while, Zoe broke the silence and looked at Evan through the rear view mirror. "So, Evan. D'you usually take the bus? Or do you have a car or a friend or something?"

"Uh- well driving makes me anxious- so- so usually- usually- Connor drives me? If not my mom does. O-Or Jared- Kleinman. Yeah..."

"So Connor does drive you to school. Why do I never see him walk with you inside." She pushed further, hardening her gaze.

"Well- I-"

"-think you should learn to piss off, Zoe." Connor snapped as he glared at her. She scoffed and went back to driving. 

The school's parking lot came to view as the three go out walking seperate ways into the school.

 

* * *

 

Evan was completely and utterly bored. English was horrible. The substitute was droning on in a monotone voice and half the class was already asleep. Evan looked over to where Connor sat. He seemed asleep, his head tucked into his arm and the other stuffed in his pocket.

He sighed, and looked back to the board. It felt like hours until lunch would arrive. He felt his phone vibrate as he watched the clocked tick. 

_Connor: youre coming over to my place after school you have no say cool? cool_

Evan looked up and saw Connor in the same state he was when he first saw him. _Guess his other hand isn't in his pocket then._

_Evan: Alright, I guess?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again this is just a filler chapter next chapter tho will be better promise


	9. my world has gone dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He reached his room and slammed the door closed. He sat against it, hoping he could at least prevent someone from coming in. He digged around his bag, hoping to find some weed, instead he felt something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im making up for the last shitty chapter im sorry it took a while im at a cousins over in texas for the summer
> 
> Warning-
> 
> some homophobia and rude words, fuck larry

Evan was in computer lab printing out his letter. He texted Connor saying he would meet him at the front of the gate in a bit, so he was utterly annoyed at how long the printer was taking. 

"Back in the computer lab Hansen? Haven't you learned that shit goes down here already?"

Evan's breath hitched as his head snapped up so fast he could've gotten whiplash. "Was I taking long? I- Is that why you're here? Oh god- Sorry- I was just- just printing something- I'll- Sorry Connor-"

"Dude, Relax. Zoe was just getting her instrument in the band room next door and I saw you here so I just came to say hi." Connor leaned against the wall as the printer continued to whir and fail to pull out his letter. 

An uncomfortable silence washed over them as Evan lightly slapped the top of the printer grumbling. Across the room Connor let out a laugh. "You know it's out of ink right?"

"O-oh- well- I'm smart- Sorr-"

"Shhhhh it's fine, don't apologize." Connor walked to the back of the room to the teachers desk and rummaged around before pulling out a box of ink.

( _Lmao i have no idea on how to put ink in a printer so imma just skip that lil part_ )

"There you go." A ghost of a smile spread on Connor's lips as he back away from the printer. "Uhm- Th-Thanks." Evan smiled, although it most likely looked like a grimace. He focused on how the machine was whirring and _not_ on how much of a fool he probably looked like.

After what seemed like forever, the paper slipped out with the fresh printed letters of _Dear Evan Hansen_ written on the front.

"What are those letters even for?" Connor huffed, giving Evan a questioning look. "How- how did you-"

"I'm just second guessing from the first time we were here, and besides, I read the first bit." Connor shrugged, picking off the chipped paint on his nails.

"Well- it's- it's for um- uh- therapy?"

"S'that a question or statement?"

"Statement, I guess...."

 The two stood there in silence, whether it was comfortable or uncomfortable was far beyond Evan's line of worry. Connor let out a sigh, and muttered under his breath, "So, anxiety huh? What's that like?"

"Wh-What?"

"You don't have to talk or anything I was just curious don't think—"

"Nonononono it's fine sorry it's just that not many people notice? O-or care at the matter? So it seems kinda off for me that someone wants to know about it..." Evan explained, while twisting the edges of the letter. Connor nodded while scratching the back of his neck. "Makes sense, I guess."

"W-Well anxiety's awful- lemme start at that." Evan lightly chuckled while Connor laughed and muttered, "It's not the only thing then."

Evan let out a small smile and opened his mouth to continue, but the door slammed open making jump a foot in the air.

"Let's go dorks I want to go buy a pizza before Mom makes shitty lasagna." Zoe called out with her guitar case trailing behind her. Connor followed, rolling his eyes at her while Evan scrambled to get his backpack in a hurry.

 

* * *

 

The ride to the house was dead quiet, and Connor couldn't be more grateful. The moment the three teens stepped inside the door they were met with a Cynthia and Larry arguing in the dining room.

"— _help_ Larry, can't you see? This is his fourth time, we can't just sit and hope he magically gets cured."

"He needs to stop being such a fucking girl. It started with the hair now the nails? I am not going to tolerate having a pansy as a son."

"Don't use those words Larry. It's a free world, people can be whatever gender or sexuality or _whatever_ they want to be."

"No, Cynthia, it's a world that needs to get rid of sinful scoundrels—"

"Right now you're the scoundrel, and stop changing the subject! We need to at least get him therapy."

"Or send him off to—"

"No! Jesus christ just please, listen and get this through your skull, Connor. Needs.—"

"Help. Really? It took four suicide attempts to figure that out? Or- do you want me to try again?" Connor finished, leaning against the frame of the door. Zoe and Evan stood behind him in shock. 

Larry rubbed circles to his temple and let out a heavy sigh. "No one asked you to join, now go to your room."

"I'm not a child, _Larry_." Connor spat his name like venom. "So why don't you shut the fuck up, and not talk shit about me behind my back."

"Connor," Cynthia sighed, almost defeated, "We weren't—"

"It sure sounded like you were! Why the fuck do you never admit I need help in front of my face, huh? You think I wanted some homophobic shit and some wannabe white mom as parents?" Connor clenched his fists, god how he wanted to punch, or throw, or do something to show how much he hated them.

"Fuck you." He breathed, stomping upstairs, leaving the house silent. 

He reached his room and slammed the door closed. He sat against it, hoping he could at least prevent someone from coming in. He digged around his bag, hoping to find some weed, instead he felt something else.

Connor heavily breathed as he took out the pocket knife. It was his grandfather's, he gave it to Connor to give it as a souvenir at his time at the military. More importantly Connor took it to cut. He opened and pressed it against his skin.

 

* * *

  

Evan looked at the family. Larry went back to work, Zoe stomped up to her room, and Cynthia stood there, lost in her head. He glanced at the door. _I can ask Jared to pick me up_...

"I hoped you could help bring him back to me..."

"What?" Evan looked at Cynthia, she still seemed lost. "I thought... It's just... He changed... He went from the little boy who would always tell me jokes to... well... I just don't know where I went wrong." 

Evan looked at her with sympathy. "I'm sorry..." 

They stood in silence yet again. Evan's phone buzzed.

_From Mom at 3:16pm: Hey Evan, im coming home early for taco tuesday!!!!_

Evan smiled. "I- um- have to leave- my mom- dinner and- yeah-" He awkwardly trudged up the stairs waving the two Murphy's goodbye. 

He quietly knocked on Connor's door. "Connor? It's- it's me Evan? I gotta go- but- see you at school?" He heard a small "okay" and went to knock on Zoe's door. "H-Hey Zoe? C-Can you take me home?"

She peeked out and looked at Evan, she sighed and nodded, going back into her room to get her keys. 

They went into the car and drove in silence.  A while later Zoe spoke up. "I honestly don't understand why you're his friend. He makes such a big deal about everything. They were just talking about getting him help, then he jumps in saying shit about them, he's unbelievable." She ranted.

Evan glanced at her. "How would you feel if he actually died?" She looked at him in disbelief but continued to rant. "Angry! He has no right or reason to feel the ways he does! God he's so mentally damaged-"

"Sorry- to interrupt but- that's kind of rude? On his behalf- because- because- it's not like he wants depression? And- secondly- that's not the only mental disorder- anxiety too and I have that? So..." Evan trailed off awkwardly looking put the window and twisting the hem of his shirt.

"Shit, Evan, I'm sorry- I didn't mean to offend you—"

"No- no it's fine, I guess." 

As she pulled into the driveway Evan noticed it was still empty meaning his mom wasn't there yet. He turned to Zoe.

"See you later?"

"Bye, Evan."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont understand tumblr send help
> 
> anywho this was supposed to represent requiem??? but if connor were alive??? idk i fucked it up i think
> 
> if there are any typos let me know its 2:30 am and im tired af hun
> 
> have a good day loves!! (but seriously help me i dunno how to tumblr its killing me)


	10. sort of subtle and perfect and real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan huffed and ran a hand through his hair. "Not to offend but watching you play is boring not to mention I don't even need to be here. Maybe we could use different entertainment?" Jared shrugged and turned off the game. "Alright. Find a way to entertain us. No, nature documentaries don't count." Evan blushed as an idea popped into his head, "We could maybe watch or listen to a musical?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a risen from the dead!!!!! heh anyway sorry for being confusing or whatever but im back and probably going to continue having slow updates (algebra's hard -~-' ) anywho enjoy the chapter!!

Evan sighed as he laid back on the couch. About a week after the whole mini Murphy fight he hasn't visited since. Connor seemed to want some space and Evan was willing to give him just that.

"You look so depressed. What's up acorn." Jared leaned back to the couch as well after he put his game on pause. 

"I-I think I messed up somehow? I-I don't know- I mean Connor and I—"

"Ooooooh, your boyfriend broke up with you? Bummer. And I thought there was an actual problem." Jared shrugged, pressed play again, and went back to shooting off a zombie's head.

"Jared! We aren't dating!" Evan huffed and ran a hand through his hair. "Not to offend but watching you play is boring not to mention I don't even need to be here. Maybe we could use different entertainment?" He huffed as Jared gave him the " _are you fucking kidding me_ " face. Jared shrugged and turned off the game.

"Alright. Find a way to entertain us. No, nature documentaries don't count." Jared threw his controller on the ground. Evan blushed as an idea popped into his head, "We could maybe watch or listen to a musical?" Jared gave him the look again and groaned. "Don't tell me you're going to become a wanna be theater kid." 

 "Wh-What? No! I just- I just wanna- try it out- you know?" Evan stuttered as the blush spread up to his ears. Jared glared at him through his glasses. After Evan gave him a small smile he spoke up. 

"Fiiiiiine. But if I get bored I'm going back to playing Call of Duty, and you're giving me next week's test scores for Spanish." Jared huffed as he got up and walked to the stairs, most likely going to his room. At that Evan beamed and quickly followed in pursuit. "D-Deal!"

 

* * *

  

"What is this musical even about?"

"I-I don't know! I j-just saw it and i-t's a good start right? I-I managed to get the s-script offline—"

"Evan, its twenty-fucking-one songs long!"

"A-Actually nineteen, minus the instrumentals."

"Ugh. Just hurry up and play it."

 

* * *

 

"Holy shit that was amazing." Jared breathed after the song ended. Evan smiled and sat back against Jared's bed. "O-Of all of them- More Than Survive w-was my favorite song." Evan smiled. Jared gleamed and stood up. "No way man, Michael in the Bathroom was them best! I relate to the weed and cable porn part."

 Evan laughed and nudged Jared's foot, "Oh my god, sh-shut up. N-No lie- I feel like the whole song was about M-Michael having a panic attack in the bathroom." Jared shrugged and smirked, sitting back down next to Evan. "You do it all the time."

Evan dramatically gasped and shoved Jared away, "How dare you!?!? The supply clost is my safe place, not some stinky bathroom." They both "aggressively" stared at each other before they bursted out laughing.

"Dinner!" Mrs. Kleinman yelled from downstairs. Jared stood up and nudged Evan before opening the door. "I'll take you home after we eat." Evan nodded and was about to thank him before Jared cut him off, "As long as you tell your mom we had a great time of course. I mean- I need that insurance man." 

Evan stopped in his tracks, watched Jared walk off, and sighed. He took out his phone to text his mom he'd be home soon and walked downstairs.

 

* * *

  

The next day at school Evan walked off the bus humming to himself. _God, that musical's catchy_. He kept humming on the walk to the computer lab and sat down at a seat. He logged on the computer and quietly sung to himself as he pulled up Word.

" _I don't wanna be a hero, just wanna stay in the line—_ "

He ran a hand through his hair as he type up _Dear Evan Hansen_.

"— _I'll never be your Rob DeNiro, for me Joe Pesci is fine_ —"

_Today is going to be a good day an here's why,_

"— _And so I follow my own rules and I use them as my tools, to stay alive_ —"

_because yesterday ended up okay so why won't today be?_

"— _I don't wanna be special, no, no. I just wanna survive_."

"Wow, Hansen, didn't know you could sing." A familiar voice shouted from the entrance as Evan jumped a foot in the air, squeaking. "C-Connor! I-I wasn't- I wasn't singing- I was- I was writing an essay- I wasn't singing." 

"It sounded like you were singing to me." Connor shrugged as he pulled out the chair next to Evan and squinted at the computer screen. "Another one of your therapy letters huh? Wh-"

"How come you never wear your glasses?"

"I'm sorry what?"

_( **One last time~ Relax, have a drink with me one last time~** Sorry, Hamilton reference, carry on.)_

Evan turned and bright pink as he found himself at a lost for words. "I mean- I-I've seen you wear them once- at the hospital- and you never wear them at school- so- so- I was just a little curious?- As to why you don't- bring them? It's not like- like you have to answer or- or anything so like- just why did I even ask in the first place if- if it doesn't matter- or at least to me- BUT- but- I'm not saying that _you_ don't matter I'm-"

"Hansen."

"Y-Yeah?"

"Shut the fuck up."

Evan nodded and went back to typing out the letter. Connor laid back into the chair as the other typed and closed his eyes. "Those glasses are mostly for reading. Besides I'm never sober enough at school to care so why even bring 'em?"

Evan saw Connor stand up and watched as he went behind the teachers desk, stealing a lollipop. "It's been a while since you've came and Cynthia, Larry, and Zoe all think I paid you to show up. Think you could come to my place later?" Connor asked making his way to the door.

Evan slowly nodded as Connor fully stepped out. "Cool I guess. See ya' later Hansen." He called as he walked out, and Evan's gaze lingered for a little while longer. He turned back around and saw a paper in the seat where Connor was sitting at. 

Evan picked it up and reluctantly unfolded it, revealing a scratchy handwriting that was still at least legible.

 

_Dear Connor Murphy,_

_Today is going to be a good day and here's why._

_Because at least you're trying to do something about this shit depression. No matter if it means being high or punching the shit outta something, you'll at least feel less worse for a while and that's ok I guess. All that it takes is a little reinvention, and it's easy to change if you give it your attention._

_Sincerely, Me_

 

Evan smiled and placed the note in his back pocket, mentally writing a note to himself to give it back soon. He turned back to his computer, finished his letter, and managed to press print as the first bell rang.

 

* * *

 

"I'm telling you, Ev, buddy. Michael Mell is gay as hell."

Jared argued with Evan as they both sat down at their usual lunch table. Evan rolled his eyes as he picked up a fry. "How can you tell? No one in the musical says anything about sexuality except for Rich at the end, so how can you be so sure? Yeah he never said he liked a girl, but it's not like he said he liked a guy either."

"Are you questioning my gaydar? He obviously likes Jeremy! Why else did he seem so obsessed with him even as he chased after Christine? And he had a panic attack because Jeremy left him. Not to mention how dedicated he seemed to cheering Jeremy up in Two Player Game. And who else would attend their ex-friend's play? I would just be petty and yell boo everytime they'd show up on stage. Back on topic, he could've been pining over Jeremy the whole musical!" Jared exclaimed as he threw his hands in the air, then stole a fry from Evan.

"Or that's just what normal friends do." Evan huffed and stared at the slice of pizza on his tray. _The school lunch is never that good anyway_. He thought to himsef as he pushed his tray to Jared and he gave his paper bag with a ham sandwich to Evan.

"Are you fucking kidding me Evan? Even Rich thought they were dating because they've far passed the platonic line. Remember in the script as he and Jeremy was in the hospital and Rich was like ' _What is he, your boyfriend_?'. Michael was caught burning mementos that he saved over the years like some love sick teenager! Not to mention Michael stuttered when Jeremy's dad asked him if he loved Jeremy. So, yes, Evan Hansen. Michael's gay." Jared ranted as he satisfyingly smiled and Evan pouted. 

"Who's gay now? I don't think I've met any Micheal's in senior year. I mean there's Mike, but I thought he was straight, considering all the girls he's hooked up with at Emma Dean's keggers.." Alana Beck cut in as she sat next to Jared. He looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Look who decided to show up." He smirked and took a bite from the pizza. Alana always sat at random tables every lunch, that is if she's not busy with a program or student body or anything in those lines. "How busy was it today in that Student Body meeting of yours Miss Beck?"

"I was actually tutoring a Junior. You guys know Zoe Murphy right? Connor's sister? Both are very close acquaintances of mine. Anyway who did you say was gay again?" Alana drummed her fingers on the table and gleamed. "Because maybe we can get them to help us form a GSA of some sort!"

"We were actually talking about a musical." Jared explained before taking a sip of milk. Evan slowly chewed the sandwich hoping it'd make him less noticeable. "Oh! What musical? Maybe I can listen to it."

"You listen to musicals?"

"No not really, but I once talked with a guy and he gave me the idea of listening to musicals, so I have a list of musicals to listen to sooner or later and I'm trying to gather a lot! I've already got a few down like Heathers and Waitress- oh and Hamilton! I've been told I really need to listen to it-"

"Okay Alana we get it. The musical's called Be More Chill. We were arguing on if one of the characters are gay or not and he obviously is." Jared curtly explained before finishing off the pizza. Alana smiled and typed something on her phone. "Great! Thanks Jared!"

"No problem." The bell rang and Alana shot up to leave as she waved goodbye. Evan and Jared walked out on their way to Chemistry before Evan made eye contact with Zoe in the hall. They watched eachother for a bit before Zoe gave him a small smile and wave. Evan could feel his heart burst as he waved and smiled back too. He turned to see that he lost Jared in the crowd but all he could care about was that smile, directed to him. _Woah, today really is turning into a good day, huh?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit me up if you know what musical Jared and Evan listened to ( ☞≖ ͜ʖ≖)☞
> 
>  
> 
> Yay Florida! Guess who's evacuating tomorrow for Hurricane Irma!?!? Me! ahaha this is normal and happens every year no worries. Remember Hurricane Matthew? Lmao but this hurricane is going straight through my city! woo death
> 
> Kidding but actually im scared for those who are going through it may everyone in the Virgin Islands and Carribean and in Florida stay safe love you all


	11. but we’re a million worlds apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor walked over to the bathroom and Evan pushed open the door of Connor’s room. He almost screamed when he saw Zoe Murphy on her brother’s bed, holding a crumpled paper. The one that was mistaken for Connor’s suicide note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title I: Murphy pranks 101 w/ professor emo fucface murphy
> 
> Alternate Title II: Evan makes a fool of himself

Evan walked out of the school and searched for the white nissan that was Zoe’s car. He walked over to it and glance at the run down and rusted truck next to it. “Ugh, glad I’m not riding in that.” Evan muttered to himself. 

“Yo Hansen!” Connor yelled out as he jogged up to him. Evan saw the car keys in Connor’s right hand and sucked in a breath. _Please, please, please don’t tell me I’m riding in this truck_. He silently begged as Connor reached up to him. 

“We’re riding in my car this time. Not Zoe’s. Because she’s a nerd and has band practice.” He pointed to the truck next to Zoe’s car. Evan sighed in defeat. “It’s very—“

”Worn out? Busted? Ugly? Yeah I know. I haven’t properly washed it in 3 years. She still works like a charm.” Connor patted the hood of the car before going inside the driver’s seat. Evan stood there unsure of what to do. Connor rolled the window down, “Well, hurry up. I don’t got all day.” 

“Right, right sorry.” Evan hurried around the car and and jumped into the passenger seat. He the. slammed the door on accident and it shut with a _BAM_. “Hey! It may look broken already but I don’t need you to break it more!” Connor huffed before turning on the engine.

On the way there, Connor hummed a little melody on the radio as Evan watched all the cars pass by. Evan started to see how familiar the street they were at was. It looked nothing like the street the Murphy’s lived in, but he knew they were going somewhere he’s been to before. 

Connor parked his car in a bush of trees and reached over the back seat. He pulled out a carton of twelve eggs that made Evan want to puke by the smell. Connor mischievously smiled and pulled his hoodie over his head. “Wait here.” 

Connor made his way out and Evan crawled into the backseat to watch. He gasp as he figured out _why_ the place seemed so familiar. It was the Kleinman’s house, and Connor was about to egg it.

When Connor threw his first egg at Jared’s window, Evan almost had a heart attack. Then two eggs turned to five, five to seven, and at last ten eggs were decorated accross the wall when Evan heard a window slam open. 

“YO! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” Mrs. Kleinman yelled from, what Evan remebered to be, the bathroom window. Connor jumped and turned to make a run for it. He then slipped on a branch and fell right on top of the left over eggs. He stood up, and ran again. 

Connor jumped into the passenger seat and started the engine. “Buckle up.” He smirked as he raced away. Evan was jumping in his seat as Connor made his way onto the traffic. “That was awesome!” Connor huffed in success.

”Connor! What the heck was that? You could have gotten me in trouble! You do know my mom is very close friends with the Kleinman’s right? If they saw me I’d be jn so much trouble! Oh my god what if Mrs. Kleinman did see me? Oh my god she’s gonna tell my mom and Mom is gonna ask to talk and then she’ll do that _I’m so disappointed in you_ face and—“ 

“Hansen! Breathe! Mrs. Kleinman did not see you ok. Just calm down alright. Jeez.”

Evan took a deep breath and nodded. “You’re right... Sorry...” Connor sighed and continued to look ahead at the road. “Also, a little side note here. ‘What the heck’? Have you ever said a bad word?” Connor snickered as he looked at Evan through the rear view mirror. 

Evan felt his cheeks grow warmer. “Yes, I have. I–I just don’t swear on a daily baisis. Only when I feel like something really horrible is going on. Like someone being stabbed I’d probably yell out ‘What the fuck’ or something like that. But, as I said, not on a daily baisis.”

Connor let out a laugh as he rolled his eyes. “Yeah whatever.” Evan looked out the window, hoping he would stop blushing, and slowly counted to ten and back. The car was pulled into the driveway of the Murphy house. “Yo when I head in I’m taking a shower to get rid of this rotten egg stench. Just go hang out in my room to avoid my family.” Evan nodded and the pair headed inside.

Evan said a curt “Hello” to Cynthia and made his way upstairs. Connor walked on to the bathroom and Evan pushed open the door of Connor’s room. He almost screamed when he saw Zoe Murphy on her brother’s bed, holding a crumpled paper. The one that was mistaken for Connor’s suicide note.

”Oh... It’s just you...” She sighed and went back to re-reading the note in her hands. Evan stood awkwardly in the doorway as Zoe wiped away a few tears. “I just- don’t understand.” Evan closed the door and slowly approached the bed. “Apart of me wanted him to die... And I know I should feel awful for that, but reading this letter. ‘ _All my hope is pinned on Zoe_ ’? I don’t understand it... I thought he hates me.” Zoe sighed and set the letter down.

“It’s hard to believe he even tolerates me... One time he tried punching me, and he kept slamming on my door saying he wanted to kill me... All because I told Mom and Dad about his secret stash under his bed.”

Evan bit his lip and sat next to her. “No, he—he doesn’t hate you... That’s not the case at all... Actually- He thinks you’re... awesome.” Zoe looked At him confused and dubious. “He thinks I’m awesome? My brother?”

Evan nodded, “Definitely!” Zoe shook her head and sighed. She run a hand through her hair and looked up at the ceiling. “How?” 

“Well.... He says your smile has the whole package, it’s subtle, perfect, and real. He’s always going on and on, on how ‘you will _never_ know how wonderful that smile could make someone feel’.” Evan looked at Zoe, and saw that a bashful smile spread on her face. Evan mentally sighed as he thought of what to say next.

”He knows, that you scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans whenever you’re bored. He also notices you usually fill out the quizzes in all those teen magazines.” Zoe laughed as she started to play with the tips of her hair. Evan felt the heat in his cheeks rise and his heart go faster. _He was making Zoe Murphy happy._

“He always just keeps it all inside his head. Whatever he sees, he leaves unsaid. But do you want to know what he always tells me whenever we talk about you?” Evan nudged her. “What?” She urged. “‘If only I could tell her, about everything I see, and how she’s everything to me. It’s just that we’re a million worlds apart. And I don’t know how I would even start.’ If I could tell her. That’s all he says. If I could tell her.”

”Does he say anything else?”

”A-About you?” Evan stuttered while idiotically pointing at Zoe. She blushed as she scrambled to get up. “Never mind, I don’t really care anyways—“ Evan launched himsef up to sit her back down. “No, no, no—just, no, no—he said—he said so many things, I'm just—I'm trying to remember the best ones. So, um—” 

Evan bit his lip as he tried to remember anything that attracted him to Zoe, “Oh! Well he thought you looked really pretty— ERM AHEM— It looked pretty COOL when you put indigo streaks in your hair last year!” Zoe’s face light up as she played with the faded streaks she had in her hair. “He did!?” Evan held in a giggle and nodded. “Yeah! And he _always_ wonders how you learned to dance like the rest of the world isn’t there.” 

Evan shrugged and looked out the window. Zoe watched him with concern. “But it’s just like I said. He keeps it all inside his head and leaves what he sees unsaid. If only I could tell her. About everything I see, and how she’s everything to me.” 

Zoe caught on to the repeated phrase Evan was using and said it with him. “But we’re a million worlds apart.” Evan gave her a sad smile. “I don’t know how I would even start. If only I could tell her, but what would you do if there’s this great divide?”

”He always just seems so far away.” Zoe shrugged. Evan glanced over at her, “Or what would you do if the distance is too wide?” Zoe shook her head, “It’s not like I don't know anything.” Evan sucked in a breath. “And..... He wants to know how do you say I love you? I love you.... He just wants to say I love you.” Evan repeated. Zoe looked over at the letter, eyes filled with tears. Evan looked away in the distance.

”But.... We’re a million worlds apart. And I don’t know how I would even start. If I could tell her.” Evan turned to Zoe. They both met eyes and Evan leaned closer. “If only I could.” He hurriedly pressed his lips against hers, except he felt her push him away. “What are you doing?” 

“Oh my god I am so sorry—“

”What the fu—“

”Kids! Dinner!” Cynthia yelled from below. Zoe stood up and away from Evan. He turned a bright pink as he rushed out the room. He passed by Connor, yelled a quick goodbye to everyone, and ran home.

 

* * *

 

“YOU DID WHAT!?” Jared laughed from the screen. Evan’s face was a bright pink as he panicked. “I don’t know! It just happened and seemed right at the moment and— Jared you’re not helping!” 

Jared still died from laughter on the other side of the screen. He started to laugh so hard he fell off the chair, but Evan could still hear his wheezes coming from the floor. “You’re telling me, you kissed Zoe Murphy, on her psycho brother’s bed, while he was next door in the bathroom!? And after he just tried to commit suicide!? You need serious help!”

Evan groaned and flopped back on his bed, covering his face with a pillow. “Why do I ever call you for these things.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so sorry i like died for about three months. Have this okay-written chapter as an apology 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! And since im late hope you had a wonderful thanksgiving!


	12. Important Update!

So I really want to rewrite this book? Not because I dont like it— well yeah i dont like the writing style it seems old from the way i write right now— but also because the script is out and from there i can read off it and see if im staying accurate for the characters.

I’ve only watched the bootleg twice and i cant really remember the dialogue as well. And I dont have wifi at my house so i cant be having the bootleg on my laptop and repeating the scene to make sure i have the dialogue right

And there are dialogues i need to rewrite bc i wrote them wrong

(example:

**_*Writing emails scene*_ **

**_Evan: (spoken) This has to be perfect, these emails have to prove that we were actually friends. They’ve got to be completely realistic_ **

**_Jared: (spoken) There is nothing unrealistic about the love that one man feels for another._ **

**_Evan: (spoken) Let’s go back._ **

**_Jared: (spoken) In fact, it’s something quite beautiful._ **

**_Evan: (spoken) Let’s go back Jared!_** )

And there are some scenes that i want to add

(example:

_***Writing emails scene*** _

_**Jared: (spoken) Smoking drugs?** _

_**Evan: (spoken) Just fix it!** _

_**Jared: (spoken) This isn’t realistic at all! It doesn’t even sound like Connor!** _

_**Evan: (spoken) Well I want to show that I was a good friend, Y’know? That I was trying to help him** _

_**Jared: (spoken) You are just as cute as a freaking button**_ )

And adding that would make me redo the whole chapter (or at least a good chunk of it) and it would take so long and waste time that it would take longer for new chapters you know? 

So I want to redo this book (like redo it from the beginning) sooooo I guess this is the end till I get the other one started?? I’m really sorry. I’ll leave this book up still but won’t be updating it. I’m glad you’ve enjoyed so far! Hope you guys stay for a better writing of the story sooner or later. Have a good day/night/afternoon!

**Author's Note:**

> this is like anither one lf those books where connor doesn't die bc hes too pure for that. well yeah hope you had enjoyment while reading.


End file.
